Crazytown

EXISTENTIAL DREAD

Anyway the wind blows; doesn't really matter...
By Alisha Giampola (writer/performer)

It's only a week till the election, guys. Can you/your stash of bourbon make it till then? What about the very likely resulting fallout of angry racists who feel disenfranchised? Or worse, the opposite of that? A lot of people are feeling some major existential dread this week, and you can really feel it here in New York City, safe haven for liberal intellectuals who already live with a taco truck on every corner and are here to tell you that it's fantastic.

May I recommend trading in your very real and valid current concerns for some terrifying television diversions? Here are the things I'm most excited to watch on TV this month, no matter what happens on November 8th... AND YOU CAN TOO:

BLACK MIRROR - SEASON 3

OMG, you guys, this new season of Black Mirror is so deeply unsettling. I questioned my own existence like twelve times during the first episode. If that's not enough to make you want to watch, let me also tempt you by saying that this season contains the only genuinely heartwarming episode of this show that has probably ever existed. I teared up three times watching it, and I literally cry at nothing, you guys. Baby animals, emotionally manipulative commercials, Schindler's List, nothing gets to me. But the episode titled "San Junipero"? Get ready to feel like you just watched the first 15 minutes of Up, basically. There's also an episode during this season that is one of the best criticisms of the horrors caused by xenophobia and war that I've ever seen. I guess what I'm saying is, have you got a case of modern existential dread? Black Mirror has got your catharsis right here. And by right here, I mean that humanity has teetered off the delicate edge of empathy and fallen into the abyss of meaningless self-absorption and nothing really matters anymore. The Germans probably have a word for that.

WESTWORLD

Have you been enjoying Game of Thrones but wish it had a lot more nudity and way fewer humans? Behold, Westworld. Based on a 1973 Yul Brynner film of the same name (yes, for real), and hopefully not destined for the same fate as Lost, I have big hopes for this new SciFi thriller that is making use of technology that Spielberg could only dream of in 2001 when A.I. came out. I know de-aging CGI is getting to be old hat at this point, but the Benjamin Buttoning of Sir Anthony Hopkins during the episode where his character flashes back to thirty years earlier was actually my favorite special effect so far in a show literally bursting with special effects. If you'd like to take a break from your everyday angst and introduce yourself to the very real possibility that our existence is nothing more than a manipulation of code in some kind of universe-sized digital reproduction of actual sentient life, tune in to HBO on Sunday nights at 9.  

 THE FALL

Gillian Anderson, aka, Literally Everyone's Dream Girlfriend, returns in Netflix's season 3 of The Fall. Thing is, we already know whodunnit- although we only semi-kind-of know whyhedunnit (probably daddy issues, as usual) -and there's lot of interest in how the show will handle the ultimate punishment for its misogynistic, sadistic, but somehow weirdly sympathetic serial killer male lead. Will he be killed off quickly? Will the entire season devolve into a slow court drama? It's either going to be awesome and the end of the story, or too slow and ending on a slightly boring cliffhanger that no one really cares about tuning into another season for. (The title of this spoiler heavy article makes me feel like it's gonna lean toward awesome, but I'm only on episode 3, so I'm not reading it yet LALALALALA.)

* * *

So... that's it for today... except that I have one more reccomendation: if you partake in no other media this week, partake in this episode of This American Life. And definitely listen to this song, which made my day this week. I guess let's just all meet back here next Wednesday if the USA is still a thing? Haha, just kidding, kind of.

Seriously though, would you all just do me a solid and exercise your democratic right to vote on Tuesday? And read up on your local government, and propositions, and all that good stuff too. Because remember, the President is like when you do your makeup and everyone is like: "Oh wow! You look great today!" But the rest of your representitive government is like when you take really good care of your skin long term and don't get wrinkles. Obviously it would be fantastic if we could have both all the time, but ultimately we all know that second thing is the most important. 

ALISHA GIAMPOLA is an NYC based actor/teacher/writer who is trying to take better care of her skin.
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CAMP CLASSIC WATCH: ZOMBIE PROM THE MOVIE!!!!!

The delicious off-Broadway musical was made into a camp-classic movie that never saw the light of day...

by David Davila (Musical Theatre Writer) 

 

If you're a musical theatre obsessed weirdo like me, then you've loved ZOMBIE PROM the musical for quite some time. I was in a production back in 2007 and boy did we have a blast! It's a hysterical musical about a 1950's high school love affair gone dead; literally. I've always thought it would make a great movie, so you can imagine my surprise when I discovered that they already made it into a movie back in 2007 starring the legendary queen of camp, RuPaul.

It looks like they probably ran out of money during filming because the two and a half hour musical has been in turned into a short thirty-six minute film. Too bad the movie was made back in the days BEFORE Kickstarter and Drag Race. 

Still a short film is better than nothing... or is it just enough to make us long for a full version??? 

I can't decide! At least we have these glorious thirty-six minutes of RuPaul, rotting flesh, and poodle skirts!!!! Someone posted it on Youtube y'all... ENJOY!!!!!

 

THE FINAL REVIEW

I take photographs from the internet and then write short stories about them!

By Paul Pakler (Actor, Writer)

(Photograph from The Wilds of Pinterest)

REVIEW: THE FAULT, DEAR BAGNER, IS IN YOUR PLAY

By Lionel Johnson (Theater Reviewer for The Times)

“Some are born great, some achieve greatness, and some have greatness thrust upon them.”

        And some are Phillip Bagner - the “playwright” of Dog Seers, Dogs’ Ears, Dog Years - a new Off-Off-Broadway “play” currently besmirching the good name of the Findley Theatre.

        If there is a God in heaven, Dog Seers, Dogs’ Ears, Dog Years has closed by the time you are reading this review. The title alone is maddeningly obnoxious. Read it aloud if you dare.

        The “play” begins with an overture, or something. For 45 minutes, the audience sits in darkness as the theme from Peter Gunn plays nearly 16 times in a row. During the tenth repetition, an elderly patron died – only to be revived by a nearby physician.

        The first character we meet is Emmaline, played by the somnambulant Betsy Longbaugh. Emmaline works in a textile mill but dreams of one day working in a paint factory or a hedge fund. Emmaline soon discovers that her long-lost uncle, Paul McCartney (no relation to the Beatle nor explanation given for the allusion), has died and has left her his haunted wooden table.

        A major sticking-point for your humble correspondent in these opening scenes is the fact that one can never be entirely sure where Emmaline is from. Longbaugh leaps from accent to accent with the agility of a stone golem. French. Swedish. Xhosa. Cantonese. Yr. corresp. eventually lost count.

        If the “play” were only incompetent, we could simply deride it and move on, but what happened next stopped yr. corresp. cold. The second that Emmaline sits at the aforementioned, haunted, wooden table, we meet an apparition named Tristram, played/hammed by Bagner, naturally. Tristram introduces himself/chews the scenery with a 20-minute monologue that succeeds in basking in every –phobia and –ism one can imagine, while also seeming to invent a few. During the monologue’s tenth minute, the same elderly patron again died; however, he was not revived because the same physician had the good taste to go home.

        Like a ravenous wolf, Bagner selects, eviscerates, and abandons genres: from bedroom farce, to courtroom drama, to short-form improv. A notable low-point was Da Doo Ron Ron, a “song-game” during which the cast stood in a line and sang predictable rhymes for monosyllabic Christian names.

       Guinness World Records has declared that, clocking in at five-and-a-half hours, Dog Seers, Dogs’ Ears, Dog Years is the longest one-act play ever produced. Yr. corresp. will not comment on and will never forget the “play’s” biological impact on the auditorium’s floor and seats.

        As yr. corresp. sits here, recounting this torment to you, tears fall freely down our cheeks.

        Phillip Bagner is a menace. He is a menace to the theatrical arts and to the concept of self-expression.

        Phillip Bagner is stupid and has a face made to be punched. Perhaps yr. corresp. should apply to Guinness World Records in order to verify that Phillip Bagner has the world’s most-punchable face.

        Phillip Bagner is a cancer. He has destroyed everything I love.

        Never in 25 years of reviewing theater have I imagined hiring a contract killer, and, yet, here we are: a signed, blank check with the memo line reading “Payment for the murder of Phillip Bagner” sits atop my desk...

        212-555-1600 ext. 1893

Editor’s note: In the effort of full-disclosure, Phillip Bagner is Lionel Johnson’s son-in-law.

 

Dog Seers, Dogs’ Ears, Dog Years

 

Findley Theatre

27 Crescent St.

New York City

212-555-2378

Category Off-Off-Broadway, Miscellaneous Genre, One-Act

Runtime 5 hrs. and 30 min.

Credits Written and Directed by Phillip Bagner

Cast With Betsy Longbaugh and Phillip Bagner

Preview June 10, 2016

Opened June 30, 2016

Closing Date ?

PAUL PAKLER is an actor and writer living in New York City.
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THE BEST POKER FACES TO EMULATE WHEN YOUR GRANDPARENTS TELL YOU THEY'RE VOTING FOR TRUMP

"It won't happen to me," you say innocently. But then it does. Be prepared.
By Jennifer Anderson (Actor/Singer/Good Grandkid)

Well, it finally happened. Your grandpa slipped into a retirement so boring and vapid that he was forced to take interest in Fox News. He became indoctrinated by their propaganda. He began listening to Glen Beck on the radio and "liked" Ben Carson on Facebook (but somehow still can't figure out how to post a status.) And your poor grandmother, who voted for Obama in 2008, fell into the rabbit hole of the "fair and balanced" and is now riding the crazy train along with your grandpa. There's no turning back. They've been bitten by the zombies and are now flesh eaters themselves, and there's nothing you can do but save yourself and bolt the door shut so they can't break in and eat you too. They're voting for Donald Trump.

Given the choice between voting Trump and being stabbed to death in a shower by Norman Bates...well, Norman Bates is kinda hot, right? I mean maybe we could work something out?

It's a sad fate and a long, laborious road ahead. They will have to deal with the fact that if their choice for president wins, their granddaughter will more than likely be relocating to wherever the hell this is:

But just because your politics are at odds doesn't mean that one of your last days as an American citizen has to be spent fighting over an Oompa Loompa and his abilities to run a nation. No, you owe it to your hardworking and docile grandparents to keep your anger at bay. Think of all the checks they've sent you over the years. All the boring recitals and horrible school plays they've attended, all with a wide grin plastered on their faces. You owe it to them to just nod and smile, and then evacuate the country without so much as a "see you later."

So that leaves a few final, daunting tasks: keep a straight face when you drive up to their house and see a Donald Trump sign in their front yard. Swallow your bile when you see your grandpa wearing a "Make America Great Again" ball cap. Bite your tongue so hard you could fit a 0000 gage in the resulting hole when your grandma defends Trump's tax secrecy. This will surely provide some difficulty, but not to fret Crazytowners. I've compiled the best poker faces on the Internet to study and practice so that we can all visit our grandparents one last, peaceful time before we head to Bali.

This guy:

When your grandparents ask you why you're wearing a hoodie in Boca Raton, Florida in the middle of July, tell them you have a bad fever and are trying to sweat it out. That will cover for the body chills you'll inevitably experience when dear old grandpa says he's says he admires Trump for his "straightforward thinking." Shuddershuddershuddershuddershudder.

This dude:

When your grandmother tells you she's voting for Trump because he represents hope, don't tell her that she's confusing him with Obama from 10 years ago. Just pretend you're staring at the dealer as he passes around the next hand.

This meme:

If it makes it easier to imagine your mouth as a thin black line, as opposed to a vehicle to deliver rational thought to ears that just won't hear it, do that.

I'll see you guys in Indonesia.

 

JENNIFER ANDERSON is an actor and singer living in Brooklyn. When she finally learns how to actually play poker, she won't need to worry about her face giving her away. This election has provided more than enough practice. www.jenniferjanderson.com
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THE FIXERS

Ponce de Leon was wrong. The Fountain Of Youth is in Hollywood, CA.
By Alisha Giampola (Writer/Perfomer)

I kind of want everyone I know to read this article so we can talk about it. So maybe go do that first, and then come back here. 

For those of you with short attention spans, or a fading wifi connection, here's a summarizing soundbite from that piece:

“Hollywood magic” has always been a trick. But Vaselined lenses are one thing, whereas digital programs that allow filmmakers to “do virtually anything,” as Cirelli says, are transformative. In the early days of CG, Pixar made toys that talked. Now the new toys are often people: Most fans don’t have any idea when filmmakers are shaving years and pounds off their favorite actors, replacing them entirely with digital doubles, or even digitally reanimating their faces: adding a tear where none existed, a look of rage instead of fear.

Paul Reubens is 26 years older than the last time he played his iconic signature role, but Pee-wee Herman hasn't aged a day. Netflix (may it live ten thousand years) has blessed the world with Pee-wee's Big Holiday and their VFX firm Vitality Visual FX has blessed the world with a Pee-wee Herman who makes us feel like we just walked through a time portal to 1990.

Remember in 2010 when they made Tron: Legacy, and everyone was super confused that baby Jeff Bridges was somehow in it? I remember friends trying to figure out how the CGI worked, discussing that there "had to have" been cutting-room-floor footage that his scenes were drawn from, or "something". There's no way Jeff Bridges could literally just play himself from 30 years ago, right? Well, wrong. I mean... right. Movies have always symbolically made their stars immortal, and now, thanks to new technological advances in visual effects, actors can quite simply just not "age out" of playing any role they please. Remember when Brad Pitt shows up in Curious Case of Benjamin Button looking as bangable as he did in Thelma and Louise? Mmmm, I do.

I feel like this is a great spot for a quick break:

Brad Pitt stars in The Curious Case of What's Happening In My Pants 

SHAMELESSLY TRYING TO GET RE-BLOGGED BY THE HUFFINGTON POST

At least I'm being honest about it.
By Tom Rizzuto

So, I was at my high-tech, socially conscious job in arts-entertainment the other day, and I believe I had a revelation. You see, a coworker who was raised in the old baby-boomer economy saw my "I feel the Bern" tee-shirt and immediately began man-splaining something about Donald Trump to me.

I swear I didn't put a picture of a pretty girl here to trick dudes into clicking on this link. That would be wrong, and people on the internet never do it.

I was close to losing my composure and responding with a violent diatribe via Twitter. But, before I could open up my 100% non-GMO hemp satchel and reach for my recycled, biodegradable, locally grown cellphone case that I purchased from a kiosk in Park Slope to protect my beloved iPhone (R.I.P Steve Jobs #NeverForget #Genius #iAngel #Blessed), "Hello" by Adele came on the radio and I felt a shift within me.

As she always does, Adele reminded me to center myself and use mindfulness to banish the chauvinistic, regressive, slut-shaming thought patterns that being raised in the capitalistic, theocratic patriarchy has imprinted on my mind like so much shameless gentrification.

DATING TIPS FOR THE POST-APOCALYPTIC RELATIONSHIP

How to choose the right partner for the apocalypse.... The series continues!
-By Leah Bonnema (Stand-Up Comic)

It's been a little while but we are back! I've been writing the 'Dating Tips For The Post-Apocalyptic Relationship'  series on and off over the past couple of years. It started off as a blog about how to keep a relationship together and slowly moved into making sure you had the right person to help you get through the apocalypse.

The Perfect 'Pocalyptic Pair!

I thought that as Valentine's Day is fast approaching it's the perfect time for a DTFTPAR rebirth. Even if a flood, zombies, the plague, WWIII, etc doesn't come in our lifetime, life itself is an exciting obstacle course for you and your loved one to maneuver together. It's always good to make sure you have the right person with you!

Please check out my first installments of TIPS: Grown Accustomed To Your Stink Pt 1(I would definitely have a go at this one if you have the time), I Love You But I Might Kill You pt 2, I Took A Dump In Your Hat pt 3 and a bonus for when you're losing it!

HAPPY FRIDAY THE 13TH!

Do I Feel Lucky?
By Gregory Jacobs-Roseman (composer-lyricist)

Today is the third and final Friday the 13th in 2015. Three Friday the 13ths are actually a lot for one calendar year. Most years only have two, and next year, 2016, will only have one (this coming May).

There’s no real consensus on why Friday the 13th is considered to be so unlucky (Wikipedia outlines a few theories) but basically: Fridays are considered to be unlucky (apparently), and the number 13 is considered to be unlucky, so – double unlucky, I suppose.

However if you’re anything like me, you have yet to put away your Halloween decorations from two weeks ago. Thus, you can use this day as an excuse to pretend you’re not lazy and you left the décor up for good reason. Just invite your friends over and re-enact the Friday the 13th episode of Dawson’s Creek.

So enjoy your Friday the 13th, and may it bring you minimal bad luck. And now for your Friday the 13th viewing, here’s a YouTube supercut of people screaming in movies. Enjoy.

GREGORY JACOBS-ROSEMAN is a composer/lyricist and theatrical sound designer. His musical Save The Date: A Wedding Road-Trip Musical won the Overall Excellence Award for a Musical in the 2013 New York International Fringe Festival. gregjr.com
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A LOOK AT LADIES MAKIN' GREAT TV

Women are currently killing it in the public eye. I mean, so are dudes, but this is particularly about ladies.
By Juliana Adame (Critic, playwright, performer, designer)

There’s no skating around all the criticism in the media right now surrounding equality. In my opinion, everyone is terrible at looking at all sides, and should just watch Liz Lemon’s take on this controversial subject. So in that spirit, I would like to celebrate a handful of ladies being amazing in my definition of feminism- which is basically that women are awesome- that you can catch weekly or readily on a TV or silver screen near you! (Mind you, I know there are some missing- these are some of the most topical gals currently everywhere.)

 1) Tina Fey

I mean, you can’t make an awesome women in entertainment list without the queen herself. No explanation needed here- this lady has been working steadily since her stint on SNL, becoming head writer, then moving onto her own show, the legendary 30 Rock, around the same time she was writing and starring in one of the most popular movies over the last decade, Mean Girls, which should not only be helmed for its funniness, but also it’s honesty and message. Her latest, Unbreakable Kimmy Schmidt, is sorely missed by all of us who binged it in one day to possibly a weekend, and is about a woman challenging what is expected of her, which is awesome.

Tina is not just a great writer because she is funny, but also because she gets it: she’s honest in a relatable way and challenges all kinds of stereotypes. These qualities also contribute to her hilarious, spot on acting. She’s one of the most influential women in entertainment, and rightfully so. You can’t call yourself a feminist, let alone an entertainment addict, without being obsessed with TFey.

2) Amy Schumer

Once you watch her show, you’ll wonder why you haven’t been the entire time. It’s the most relatable, least dry, and most comfortable of all comedy sketch shows on TV right now, and is organized super well, unlike any sketch show you’ve seen before.

Amy is a budding Tina Fey- a funny New York girl with a knack for the relatable, and uncanny ability to poke fun at it. She is unapologetic and she owns it, but doesn’t flaunt it- she just seems like you could sit down and have a pizza and a nice conversation with. I love this lady.

SPRING TV CHECKUP

How are your favorite spring stories racking up so far?
By Juliana Adame (Critic, playwright, performer, designer)

 

Spring has offered a slew of awesome new shows- the CW is really killing it. Let’s see where they stand, at the moment. Spoilers ahead! (For the original list, see my previous spring TV article here) 

Sunday

The Last Man on Earth: Promising, but questionable

Why? I have at last come to the conclusion that I hate Kristen Schaal. Here voice is annoying and her humor if iffy, to me. But January Jones has arrived, what now? But, I am behind an episode, and questioning whether to return. Like I said previously, I could watch a show of just Will Forte, but every show needs new characters. But is the title determinately limiting?

Important predictions: None yet. I mean, sadly what’s her face isn’t going anywhere.

Girls: possibly in its best season yet

This was the most eventful season, by far, and was littered with great guest stars- also, who else is waiting for the Elijah spinoffs? (#butseriously) Happy it seems Hannah ended up, for now, with Fran, and happy that it seems Marnie and Desi are over (how can a guy with such a cute name look like such a homeless werewolf??), but hate to see AW sad, even though she's not-so-secretly the worst most of the time. The whole tub birth was a little much for me (Gabby Hoffman is a great performer, but a little too a natural for me), even more so than Maude Apatow's horrible piercing scene or the Q-tip scene of old. GAH LENA STOP!! Anyway, I'm actually really excited for next season, and sad to see it go this year- usually, I'm relatively indifferent, but the tagline of this year could not have been more on point.