Crazytown

PORTRAIT OF A RUNNER AS A CRAZY MAN

Running for 26.2 miles when you've already run out of style.
By Owen Panettieri (playwright, lyricist)

 

A little over a month ago, I ran my third Disney World Marathon. I love this event. It's about the joy of the race with very little pressure to run a personal best time. I'm sure some people go in with that goal, but the race has so many character photo op spots built into the race that it's more about enjoying yourself as you run than it is about getting through it as fast as possible. 

I finally looked at my race pictures and I think they're hilarious. I basically look more like Little Edie strolling through the most magical place on Earth, waving at strangers and eating crunchy M&M's, than I do someone whose on mile 23 of a 26.2 mile run. Let's dissect my outfit and I'll explain what went into these strong fashion choices. But before I start, I have to say it was hella cold in Orlando the day of the marathon. The rest of the week was pretty nice, there were even several undeniably warm days. But there was awful weather the day before (lightning canceled the half-marathon that was supposed to take place Saturday morning) and then the temperature PLUNGED. When we started the race on Sunday morning it was not even 40 degrees outside. The irony here was that even though it was winter in NYC I had waited to do all my long training runs on days where the temperature spiked above 50 degrees in NYC. So here I was in what was supposed to be sunny and warm Florida and I would be running in weather that was significantly colder than what I was used to and what I planned to wear would simply not be sufficient to keep me warm for a 5 hour run. I foolishly didn't even pack a warmer option with me, so I had to improvise.

SUPER BOLD MVP

On a weekend full of sports ball heroics, the ballsiest performance still belongs to a woman.
By Owen Panettieri (playwright, lyricist)

I like the Patriots. I like that they always win. I like going into work after any given Sunday during football season with the likelihood that my team of choice has done better than my coworkers who favor the Giants or the Jets. I don't like the politics of their owner, their coach or their star quarterback Tom Brady. I don't like the fact that they consistently season after season run into big problems with bending the rules in their favor. Anyone who's not a fan of the team, believes they are the world's biggest cheaters and those who are fans would counter that they're simply the best cheaters. And don't I deserve the best?

Everyone who hated the Patriots wanted them to lose badly to Falcons. For 3 quarters, it looked like they were going to get their wish. The trailed 28-3 in the third, and no team had ever come back in a Super Bowl by more than 10 points. And the lopsided nature of the first three quarters made the game pretty boring. Tom Brady was way off. It wasn't like his receivers were dropping the ball, he was overthrowing and under-throwing. They had no success running the ball. They were completely out of rhythm for most of the game. But just when it looked like the Falcons were going to put the final nail in the coffin in the 4th quarter, their fortunes totally reversed. A holding penalty on the Falcons offense and a tremendous sack by the Patriots defense, knocked the Falcons out of field goal range and from that point on it was all Patriots. That launched the most improbable comeback in Super Bowl history, scoring 25 unanswered points, forcing the game into a first-ever overtime and snatching victory from the jaws of defeat. The ending couldn't have been more dramatic. People are calling it the best Super Bowl ever. It might be the most surprising, but I feel like I've seen better back and forth matches that were more exciting to watch from beginning to end. Still a win is a win, and the Patriots are the champs again!

THE HAPPY SLAM

The 2017 Australian Open was a thrilling start to the tennis season, as newcomers and veterans thrilled crowds with excellent play and four of the greatest players of all time made their way back to the finals once again.
By Owen Panettieri (playwright, lyricist)

It's been a rough 2 weeks, y'all. Things in the United States? They ain't good. It seems almost every day came a new horrifying executive order from the President. It's been a lot to deal with. People are upset. People are scared. People are protesting. The anxiety is practically inescapable. But during these past two weeks, a shining beacon of welcome relief was being transmitted into our TVs each night. When the sun went down, the Australian Open was waiting for us shining brightly with tomorrow's sun. With progressive round of play, it became clear that this was one of the best tennis tournaments I have ever seen.

Going into this Major tournament, no one really knew what to expect. Federer and Nadal had take most of the last year off to heal lingering injuries. Their absence meant that their ranking would drop them both out of the top 8 for the first time in over a decade. This meant that they wouldn't get an automatic slot in the 8 corners of the 4 quarters of the draw and could wind up pretty much anywhere. Also, who knew how they were going to play when they showed up? Beyond Rafa and Roger, could Andy Murray maintain his dominance as the new #1? Would Novak Djokovic bounce back after a disappointing second half of 2016? So much drama to unfold!

On the women's side, several big names were not present and several question marks surround the health of Serena and Venus Williams. Serena missed the WTA Finals in 2016 with a shoulder injury. She relinquished her spot at the top of the WTA rankings. Would the Aussie Open be a chance for her to reclaim #1 and give her a 23rd career championship trophy? So much at stake!

Every day of the tournament featured incredible matches with unbelievable outcomes. And the level of play was SO HIGH. In the second round, No. 117 Denis Istomin became just the 2nd player outside the top 100 to defeat Djokovic in the last seven years. The shock wasn't that Novak played badly, but how Istomin played the match of his life beating Novak in 5 sets that lasted just under 5 hours. Istomin went two more rounds deeper in the draw after that as well. In the 4th Round, Murray met another shocking fate when he was handily beaten by #50 Misha Zverev. 7-5, 5-7, 6-2, 6-4. Again all credit to Zverev who played such an intense and unusual attacking style that left Murray completely confused. It was incredible! Through it all, the two veteran champions Federer and Nadal kept winning. No matter the challenge, no matter how many times a match went the distance to 5 sets, they kept finding solutions. Pretty soon tournament directors, commentators and spectators dared to dream - could we see another Rafa and Roger Grand Slam final?

On the women's side, Serena and Venus tore through their draws in remarkable fashion. But there were other amazing stories as well. The US Women went deep into the draw. Unseeded Coco Vandeweghe almost got bounced in the third round, but hung tough. Then she dialed in to her power game, knocking off No. 1 and reigning Aussie Champ Angelique Kerber in the Round of 16 and reigning French Open champion Garbine Muguruza to face Venus in the semis. Again we all dared to dream - Could we see an another All-Williams Grand Slam final? On Serena's side of the draw we had the improbable run of Mirjana Lučić-Baroni. I'm not sure if there was a more emotional story in the tournament than hers. A teenage phenom, Lucic-Baroni had very difficult years to get through getting away from her controlling abusive father. She did not make an appearance at a Major tournament for more than seven years from 2003 to 2010. Here she was at 34 ranked #79, kicking ass and making her way through the draw like she'd never been gone. She delighted in every moment.  After reaching the quarterfinals in her on court post-match interview she said, “I’m a tough little cookie, and really, really stubborn. When I want something, I will work really hard and I will do whatever it takes to get it. It’s not a guarantee, by any means, that you’re gonna get there, but, man, what a satisfaction I feel right now. Incredible. And I will tell it to anybody struggling out there. 'F-' everything and everybody who ever tells you you can’t do it. Just show up and do it with your heart.” How can you not love this woman? She couldn't beat Serena in the semis, but her performance for the whole tournament was nothing short of inspiring.

PURE JOY: THE HOPE IS REAL

Cubbies win. Blocks get knocked over. A woman is elected into the White House.
By Kathleen Choe (actor/singer/writer)

Though I'm a baseball fan, I didn't watch Game 7 of the World Series. I had an audition to prep for, and on top of that, a headache, and on top of that...just couldn't deal seeing the faces of Chicagoans should the Cubs lose. I woke up the next morning to headlines and videos littering my Facebook feed of pure joy. After 108 years, the Cubs were the World Series Champions.

 

Chicago headlines this month: WORLD SERIES CHAMPIONS!!
Chicago headlines in 9 months from now: RECORD NUMBER OF BIRTHS!! 

I cried. I don't know why. Maybe because of the drama of baseball, of loyal fans getting their long sought-after prize.

Photo credit: David Dermer/AP

Maybe because of the looks of absolute elation, of everyone being in that moment of wild, unbridled Pure Joy.

Bill Murray is crying, y'all. Feel all the feels.

Pure Joy. Kind of like this when my niece built—and then knocked down—a tower of blocks taller than she was.

Build! Laugh! Smash!

Maybe I cried because seeing their expressions, I was reminded it's been awhile since I've had that moment of Pure Joy; that fleeting, rare moment when everything is good in the world, wildly happy, and perfect. It's untinged with any other emotions that usually make life complicated. They're rare and wonderful, and meant to be savored.

I know it'll happen again, but I miss it. I keep hoping for it, though. That moment of booking a job is one of the sweetest there is, but it's not the only way I experience Pure Joy. I'm hoping for it next Tuesday, when this crazy election is over and we'll finally see a woman in the White House.  When millions of Americans prove they have sense enough to not vote a madman to lead our country.

I'm with her. Without a doubt.

Here’s hoping. In the meantime, Cubbies and Towers of Blocks it shall be for some, and I’ll just look on and smile, glad for their moments of Pure Joy. 

Until November 8th, then.

 

KATHLEEN CHOE is a NYC based actor, singer, and writer. www.kathleen-choe.com
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YEAH, I MARATHON

How to feel like an elite endurance athlete when you’re basically just a pile of human refuse.
By Jennifer Anderson (Actor/Singer/registered for a 5k)

This Sunday is the 46th New York City Marathon, and there’s nothing quite like the annual race to motivate the crap out of you. Seeing thousands of people running a distance that killed the first person who tried it (without stopping for beer or donuts or a nap) is enough to make you want to sprint to the local Jack Rabbit, have Connor Flaherty from Boulder, Colorado tell you what pair of Brooks is best for your severely overpronating foot, and then hit the pavement to start training for 2017. But, if you’re like me, after that first mile when your severe bunion starts to throb and your hands go numb from that pesky herniated disc in your neck, you give up. This lady leaves you in the dust and you think “well, I guess I’ll never be an athlete.”

$20 says he totally stopped for donuts.

WRONG, CRAZYTOWN. You are already an athlete of the most supreme stamina. You just don’t know it. Luckily for you, I’m here to help you discover the power within you that you didn’t even realize was there.

1. Netflix
An obvious choice, but a strong one none the less. It takes SO MUCH mental and physical fortitude to watch an 8 episode season of Stranger Things. Or, if you’re an ultra-marathoner like my roommate, you’ve watched the ENTIRE series of Breaking Bad 11 times. That’s 682 EPISODES. I’m currently in training by re-watching all of the old Bob’s Burgers on repeat, but I don’t know if I’ll ever get to his level.

It's all about short runs and long runs. Shorts are your one-seasoners. Longs are your "Friends" and "Family Guy"s.

2. Waiting 3 hours for a Chicken Biscuit
Some might call you a lunatic. Some might question whether or not you have a life or a job. Others among us will call you dedicated. Others will marvel at the sheer willpower, unbeatable tenacity, and months of rigorous training it takes to stand on que for hours at a time, all for the glory and the sweet taste of victory.

3. Running 2 miles on the treadmill
Do you know how hard it is not to hit stop when the TVs at the gym are playing nothing but Dr. Phil reruns and the guy next to you keeps farting so bad you have to turn your head to the side to breathe??? Not to mention the fact that Pandora keeps playing 24 Karat Magic and when you’ve already hit thumbs down??? IT’S BASICALLY 26.2.

4. Taking the train from Manhattan to Brooklyn at 1:30am on a Tuesday
This race can take anywhere from 1 to 6.5 hours. If you can make it without threatening a plague upon the MTA or gouging your eyes out with a plastic fork you found on the seat next to you, you deserve a medal, foil blanket, and T-Shirt courtesy of Tata Consultancy Services.

They made it from 59th street to Bay Ridge, all local, in 2 hours and 45 minutes. #inspired

JENNIFER ANDERSON is an actor and singer living in Brooklyn. She's currently in training for a Turkey Trot. www.jenniferjanderson.com
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FOR THE LOVE OF THE GAMES

In the first week of the Olympics, some of the world's best tennis players took a week out of their regularly scheduled tennis season to be play the most exciting week of tennis all year.
By Owen Panettieri (playwright, lyricist)

Professional tennis is an international sport in every way. The top players hail from across the world and face each other again and again. They travel the globe playing major tournaments across 6 continents both competing as individuals, and also as teammates representing their home countries in competitions like Fed Cup and Davis Cup. In those ways, the regular tennis season is not unlike the Olympics. But still the Olympics is very special to many tennis players who wait for their one chance every four years to claim gold. The Olympics also presents a difficult choice for players. While competing in the Olympics is a huge honor, it offers players no ranking points, and no prize money and is held at a time of year where both are available  at regular tournaments and some times desperately needed by players on tour. With top players heading the the Games, others might see it as a chance to stay the course and help their ranking and compete for a title that might otherwise seem out of reach. For journeyman players, that additional paycheck can make a big difference. So it's not always an easy call to compete at the Olympics. The athletes that do it, do it for love of the game. And this week in Rio, that love really came through. 

The level of play was fantastic. Every round felt like a final. There were huge early upsets (Djokovic, Serena and Venus in singles) incredible comebacks from injury (Nadal, Del Potro), inspired American underdogs (Steve Johnson, Madison Keys) and astonishing historic triumphs (Mónica Puig, I'm looking at you. Here's a look back at this week's medalists and the tremendous effort they put in to get medals.

Women's Singles: Mónica Puig - First ever medal for Puerto Rico and it's GOLD. This could prove to be a huge breakthrough in Monica's career. She hasn't claimed a Grand Slam title yet, but this week the world saw why they shouldn't be surprised when she does eventually lift one of the big four trophies. Throughout the week Moncia showed physical strength and mental coolness that was enthralling. When the moment presented itself Monica had nerves of steal and captured gold. It was such a triumph. An an exceptional fight from Kerber to win the silver as well. I'm excited to see what these two can do at the US Open. (But I can never root against Serena!) 

Men's Singles: Andy Murray - First ever back to back gold medal winner in men's singles - and it happened on two different surfaces. Grass courts for the London Games and Hard courts here in Rio. Andy's passion and determination were on display all week. Juan Martin Del Potro was the comeback inspiration of the week. I don't know if there was a player more deserving of a medal. After 2 and a half years of awful injuries and surgeries and recoveries, here he was unleashing his forehand like a cannon, knocking off Novak and Rafa and almost getting Murray too. Every match was an edge of your seat thrill ride. The tension and the desire was felt in every shot. It was the best of what the men's tour can be.

OLYMPIC "COVERAGE" 2016

Who gets the gold in Synchronized Male Objectification?
By Alisha Giampola (Writer/Performer)

So, we've all been watching the Olympics, right? 

Right?

RIGHT?!

DEAR GOD AM I RIGHT?!!!

Yes. We're all watching the Olympics, for many assorted excellent reasons. And today we continue our highly rigorous coverage of the Olympics with a fun interactive way to participate in these summer games! If you've been bitten by the Olympic bug and want to feel involved in Team USA, may I suggest something I've just invented called the Make It Through Your Week In NYC Olympics? Because isn't living in NYC basically like getting through some kind of crazy race every single day? There are plenty of events to compete in- something for everyone really. 

So now, the EVENTS OF THE 2016 NYC OLYMPICS (please feel free to let the judges know when you've completed each challenge, as they are all ignoring everyone around them by reading articles on their phones and won't look up unless tapped aggressively on the shoulder):

THE SUBWAY 

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~ Running and catching the train just as the doors are closing but not so they've closed so far that you cause them to stop and open again, thereby delaying the train's departure. 

~ Getting off your first train and walking across the platform and stepping directly onto your next train with no pausing.

~ Noticing that the empty car you’re about to get into smells like a dead body and managing to run to the next car before the train pulls away. 
        EXTRA POINTS: Warning someone else as you’re running to said next car.
        EXTRA EXTRA POINTS: That person is attractive and you strike up a conversation and end up exchanging phone numbers.

~ Finding a seat during morning commute against the wall, dozing off, but automatically waking up just as the train pulls into your stop.

~ Not being 100% sure where the stairs are in the station you’re headed to are located, but still choosing the exact right train car to get into so you can step directly off and into the stairwell.
        EXTRA POINTS: Doing this twice in a row.

~ Weekend Service Change Challenge! Travel between a point in Brooklyn to a point in Way Upper Manhattan in less than 2 hours and using a maximum of four transfers.

THE SIDEWALK

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~ Noticing a huge crowd of tourists at an intersection waiting for the light to change, circumventing the entire group and crossing the street ahead of them in between traffic.

~ Sensing a silent bike messenger going in the wrong direction as you’re about to cross the street and saving the life of the person walking next to you by throwing your arm out, mom-style.

~ Navigating a very slow, crowded, narrow sidewalk that is completely closed in with construction scaffolding by basically pretending that you are in a video game and you have to slip in between everyone else until you’ve escaped the bottleneck.
        EXTRA POINTS: Not touching anyone.
        EXTRA EXTRA POINTS: Making someone feel bad by sighing really loudly as you pass them.

~ Finding a $20.

~ Staring down a cat-caller until they stop in shame.
        EXTRA POINTS: Doing this on behalf of someone else.

~ Get from laundromat to the front door of your 5th floor walkup while (for each additional challenge +10 points): carrying a 20 lb bag of laundry
    + carrying bag of groceries (including milk and eggs)
    + holding a bottle of wine
    + toting a computer bag
    + in heels
    + walking a dog

THE WEATHER

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~ Use an umbrella on the sidewalk in a rainstorm, never smashing into anyone else’s umbrellas, lifting or lowering yours in order to pass people, having your umbrella turn completely inside out just as you’re about to arrive at your destination, chuck it in trash just outside the door and walk in, staying 90% dry.
        EXTRA POINTS: Have dry shoes and/or socks in bag to change into.

~ Get from one side of Broadway to the other at the intersection of 72nd street less than 24 hours after a blizzard without falling into a puddle of slush, slipping on black ice, or having to go more than half a block out of your way.

~ Wait for train on steps between station and street level during a heat wave. When you hear the train approach, run down stairs, swipe Metrocard in one try, and dash onto train, thereby avoiding sweating underground for fifteen minutes. 

THE RESTAURANT

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~ Walk right in, know the host, get seated immediately, share joke with bartender as you walk by.
        EXTRA POINTS: Do this in front of someone you’d like to impress.

~ Split check at friend’s birthday party 17 ways using pen from bottom of your purse on back of bill, listing each credit card and exact amount to charge in order.

~ Realize restaurant only takes cash. Excuse self to use restroom, bolt to nearest bodega, use ATM to withdraw cash, also go to restroom, and return to table before cocktails arrive. 

THE BATHROOM

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~ Within a ten-block-radius of anywhere in Manhattan, know or quickly identify at least 2 places in which you could use the restroom without having to pay for anything.

~ Enter a bar, look around, smile charmingly, pick up phone and convincingly conduct fake conversation until bathroom is located, use bathroom and exit without being accosted by host or bartender.

~ Improvise toilet paper in a TP-less bathroom stall out of other things you can find in there, or in your purse.
        POSSIBILITIES: seat liners, a thin maxi pad, Starbucks napkins, face wipes.

APARTMENT LIFE and OTHER ASSORTED TASKS

image via.

~ Use other people’s WiFi for more than a year without getting caught or having a lapse in service.

~ Hear small noise while asleep in bed, turn on lights to realize it is a GIANT FUCKING FLYING COCKROACH, go into total beast mode and MURDER IT WITH A SHOE. Dispose of entire shoe/dead cockroach situation in sealed garbage bag immediately. Buy new shoes tomorrow as reward for facing such a horror.
        EXTRA POINTS: Somehow manage to lift shoe and flush dead cockroach down toilet. Never sleep again.

~ Order food while walking home from the train and time it just so that by the time you get inside, change your clothes, get Netflix started and a bottle of wine open, the delivery guy has arrived.

~ Your phone is at 3% and you manage to keep it there by closing apps/dimming the screen/turning off location services/etc for the next two hours until you can find a plug/charger.

~ Go to post office on a break at work and actually manage to mail package and return to work during time allotted for break rather than have to give up and never mail package and simply take it with you the next time you are in the same state as the person you were planning on mailing it to because it is literally easier to fly there yourself than go to the post office.

~ Make yourself a meal out of only the things remaining in your fridge, which are as follows:
        Half an avocado.
        A small tupperware of plain rice from leftover Chinese food.
        Salad dressing.
        Maraschino cherries.

 * * * * * * * * 

CONGRATULATIONS! You have successfully completed the 2016 NYC Olympics! You should receive your fully compostable artisanal medal by certified mail in 12-17 business days between 8am and 3pm. If you do not receive it during that time period, please call Time Warner Cable, the official sponsor of the 2016 NYC Olympics! 

Michael Phelps' angry face is ready for SHOWTIME!!!!  

 

ALISHA GIAMPOLA is an NYC based actor/teacher/writer who currently holds the world record in Convincinly Pretending To Talk On The Phone To Avoid Interaction With People On The Sidewalk. 
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GOING, GOING, GOING FOR GOLD AND GONE

An athlete competing at the Olympics has the opportunity to experience the highest highs, but a late injury can lead to the lowest lows.  
By Owen Panettieri (playwright, lyricist).

(Tears of joy!)

Every time the Olympics rolls around, I think I'm over it. I go into it totally jaded. I assume the city hosting the Games will be woefully unprepared. I assume some of the athletes will be caught in doping scandals. I tell myself I probably won't watch unless it's swimming or tennis or gymnastics. But then the Opening Ceremonies start and I'm immediately hooked. Clear my calendar for the next two weeks, I've got all the sports to watch. The Olympics works because they are DRAMATIC. Every athlete's story is compelling. From 1st time competitors to veterans who seem like old friends, nobody just shrugged one day and said, "Eh. I guess I'll be an Olympian." Instead, every single person competing has dedicated their lives to getting there, representing their country and getting a chance at their One Moment In Time. They are all so emotional about it. It makes their victories so exhilarating, but it also makes their losses that much more devastating. It really stresses me out to think of how an Olympic dream can turn into a nightmare for some of these athletes.

 

HOW TO PREPARE FOR THE OLYMPICS

...for couch potatoes.
By Alisha Giampola (Writer/Performer) 

It's that time again. Every four years, we all collectively look down, brush some of the potato chip crumbs off of our shirts, and wonder if it's way too late to think about becoming an Olympic athlete (it definitely is). 

I remember even as a little girl watching the Olympics and knowing with total confidence: oh man, here's something I'm already too old for. The tiny, fierce little US female gymnasts that dominated the 1996 Atlanta Olympics, all my age or just a few years older, already seemed impossible to catch up to. It was clear that none of them had ever done anything except for vaulting their bodies up into the air and landing flawlessly every single day of their as-yet short lives.

I was not a sporty child. I took ballet and was mediocre at it. I disliked both games (rules) and exercise (boring/repetitive). If I had a long Saturday afternoon with nothing to do, I preferred heading to the library with my mom to organizing a backyard baseball game with the kids in the neighborhood. I loved swimming, and was good at it, but mostly enjoyed watching my shadow at the bottom of the pool so that I could press my legs together and pretend that they were fins and I was Ariel. I had a treasured American Girl magazine with a Tara Lipinski interview in it, but was primarily enamored of her gorgeous costumes. 

So even if, like me, you're a few decades or a few bags of Cool Ranch Doritos beyond qualifying for this year's Olympics in Rio, what can you do to prepare?

SNACKS

Watching the games is time-consuming and cheering is tiring. You're going to need to stock up on plenty of snacks to fuel your weekends of binge-watching incredibly toned men swim 100 meters faster than you can melt cheese in a microwave. Which brings me to...

NAPS

Adequate sleep is vital for any athlete and you, as a loyal athletic supporter, need to be well-rested to catch all those moments someone stumbles on their gymnastics mat routine. Can you believe that guy? You could have done better, if you too had trained for 15 years.  

"If I had ever learnt, I should have been a great proficient!" -Jane Austen
(Lady Catherine de Bourgh is the original Me Watching The Olympics)

ENDURANCE TRAINING

The Olympics in Rio don't start until this Friday, and thanks to modern technology and the existence of digital streaming platforms, there will be actual coverage of 6,755 hours of Olympic excitement. That's a level of marathoning no quantity of Everything and Chill can prepare you for. However, those of you who may need some last-minute viewing prep, may we recommend Netflix's really fabulous Stranger Things, which is basically if Stephen King got involved in the making of The Sandlot? Also, as if you already didn't need a reminder that you're far too old for the Olympics, suddenly being reminded how fucking long ago the eighties were is the perfect smack in the face. That, or remembering that some of the CHILDREN competing in this year's games were BORN in the year 2000!!! WHAT.

SCHADENFREUDE

No, not the musical number from Avenue Q, but the actual portmanteau of emotions that enables one to watch attractive people at the height of their abilities and not feel like an utter failure in comparison. Every time the Olympics rolls around, the media gleefully reminds us that the Olympic Village is basically a Roman orgy every moment that the athletes aren't actively competing. It's hard not to be jealous of people who are all insanely hot and flexible and mainly wearing coverage-equivalents of bikinis heading back to luxurious accommodations and stripping off each others gold and silver medals in a haze of raw pheromones and hot tub steam. This year, however, it's really fun to remember that the athlete housing in Rio has been called unfit for occupancy- sporting exposed wiring and general filth -as well as the fact that the water is running with sewage and human waste. So, go ahead and imagine all those fit people getting it on: just also imagine them getting stomach viruses immediately afterwards. HAHA. 

GOOD LUCK! 

No amount of preparation can get you in the headspace you need to perform well, ultimately the difference between a winner and a loser is a mere billionth of a second, which is exactly why it feels so futile to even make the attempt. Not to mention that the Olympic medals haven't been made out of solid gold since 1912, which naturally feels like a huge rip-off. So don't feel too bad about not qualifying for this, or any Olympics. Remember that if you want to wear roughly 6 grams of real gold while shivering in a Speedo, you can probably make that happen for yourself without spending 10 hours a day training.

"Jerri, what does V-I-C-T-O-R-Y spell?"

ALISHA GIAMPOLA is an NYC based actor/teacher/writer who knows that V-I-C-T-O-R-Y spells WIN! 
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ME LIKE SPORTS?

How Cleveland made me believe...land.
by Alex Syiek (Music Theatre Writer/Performer)

The other night, the Cleveland Cavaliers made history by winning game 7 of the 2016 NBA Finals against the Golden State Warriors. This may sound like gibberish to a good many people, and it would have to me too, if I hadn't been watching the game on Sunday night for the benefit of my great friend, James Penca.

So kewl.

James is a true North-East Ohioan, having grown up in the wonderfully named city of 'Painesville' for his entire life. I first met James on the first night of our Orientation week at the awesome Baldwin Wallace University (then College). We stayed up for the better part of the night, talking about our love for theatre, why a kid from California would possibly be moving to Ohio for college, and barely touching upon the fact that James was a true Cleveland sports fan. We found out soon after that we would be roomed together randomly for the entire first year of school, and a great (although difficult at first) friendship began.

Then the sports came.

We're heeerrreee.