All true, all terrifying.
By Alisha Giampola (Writer/Performer)
We all know that lots of children's stories are scary as hell. Hansel and Gretel. Rapunzel. The Gingerbread Boy. Cautionary fairy tales that were written when people were tougher, and had to begin chopping wood and starting their own families before the age of fourteen.
But today, in the age of helmets and The Jungle Book live-action remakes and nut-free schools, our children are surely not being subjected to stories with slightly horrifying messages just below the surface.....right? Wrong. I can tell you, as what amounts to basically a professional reader of children's books, that in fact today we have many books with equally horrifying, yet occasionally less useful messages. At least the plot of Hansel and Gretel involves helpful hints like: leave trails of breadcrumbs when lost! don't eat candy off of other people's houses! sometimes your parents are out to kill you!
Anyway, I'd like to offer my uncensored opinion of some children's books I've had to read/perform for rapt, wide-eyed, impressionable youngsters possibly one too many times.
The Rainbow Fish
Let's begin with the worst offender, shall we? Under the auspices of being about "friendship", our colorful protagonist is subjected to near-constant bullying and peer pressure from a menagerie of sea creatures until he plucks off and distributes HIS OWN SCALES so that the other fish can feel better about themselves. Ayn Rand would have a FIELD DAY with this book.
Russell The Sheep
Plagued by insomnia, Russell is forced to seek out increasingly uncomfortable and dangerous places to sleep (including the trunk of a rusty car and the hollow of a tree filled with bats!) until he gives up and counts all the sheep in his vicinity, including himself, and finally falls asleep just when all the other sheep are waking up. The book ends here, leaving the reader to assume that Russell ostensibly is left only two options: wake up after only a few minutes of sleep to spend his day groggy and exhausted, or sleep through the day ignored by his friends and relatives and arise at dusk to face another sleepless night. Eeesh.
Gossie and Gertie
Gossie and Gertie (identical except for a slight size difference and their signature red or blue rainboots) are apparently best friends. Gossie spends the entire book bossing Gertie around and when Gertie finally gets up the nerve to make some decisions independently of Gossie, she is screamed at until she points out that it's dinnertime, and then they both go eat. This reminds me too much of toxic friendships I have since distanced myself from, so perhaps I'm projecting, but I'd like to see a sequel where Gertie moves out on her own and goes back to school or something.
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