Crazytown

IT'S THE GREAT PUMPKIN, CRAZYTOWN.

By Alisha Giampola (Writer/Performer)

Happy Almost-Autumnal-Equinox-Day, kids! It's fall. Everybody's favorite season. The least controversial time of year. A surefire way to get literally anyone to agree with you, across lines of religion, political party, or sports affiliation, is to profess your love for the fall. Who doesn't like fall? It's not too hot or too cold, the light is pretty, the leaves are pretty, the wardrobe color combinations are pretty. I myself, in fact, chose to get married on this very day four years ago, the day before the autumnal equinox of 2012, known by many women my age as the year of the Great Pumpkin Spice Latte Shortage. 

What does your Guilty Fall Pleasure say about you?

Did you know that a baby hedgehog is called a hoglet?! What other autumnal delights await?

Starbucks Pumpkin Spice Latte: Your favorite movie is The Notebook.

Apple picking: Deep down you would never ever go camping, but you like to tell people that you're "outdoorsy".

Assorted food-scented candles: Pinterest is 90% of your browser history. You cannot cook.

Visiting a pumpkin patch or a corn maze: You're trying to grow your Instagram following.

Only wearing dresses that have pockets and striding around a lot with your hands in them: You genuinely enjoy old Katherine Hepburn movies. (Also, I just read this fascinating article about the sexist history of pockets and you should too. GET YOUR HANDS OUT OF MY POCKETS, PATRIARCHY!)

Baking pies, cookies, cupcakes, assorted spice-breads: You have a really flexible work schedule.

Planning group Halloween costumes: You have a BFA.

Doing a pine cone craft project: You have children. 

 

Don't get too cocky though, NYC. Just remember that fall is only a short, colorfully foliaged passage through which we drive on our way to getting the football of beautiful weather yanked out from under us as we crack our heads on the black ice of a bleak urban winter. 

ALISHA GIAMPOLA is an NYC based actor/teacher/writer who can't believe she's been married for 4 years. She is currently accepting presents of fruit, flowers, or appliances, depending on your committment to either the traditional or modern anniversary gift list.  
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THERE'S NO "I" IN "H-O-U-S-E-T-E-A-M"

I take photographs from the internet and then write short stories about them!
By Paul Pakler (Actor, Writer)

(Photograph from The Boston Globe)

Dramatis Personae:

(from left to right)

Doris

Bill

Improv Coach (offstage)

Scene:

A Rehearsal Studio ($28/hour).

 

BILL

        I like carrots.

 

DORIS

        Yes, I like carrots, and I like to cook them with brown sugar.

 

BILL

        Yes, I like to cook carrots, and I like BOOBS!

 

IMPROV COACH

        Bill, that's not "and-ing."  Don't invent.

 

BILL

        If ONLY I invented boobs!

 

DORIS

(under her breath)

        Jesus Christ...

 

IMPROV COACH

        Okay, let's try again.  Your suggestion is "candle."

 

Doris begins miming making a pizza.

 

DORIS

        I have to find a way to defer my student loans.

 

BILL

        Have you thought about prostitution-

 

IMPROV COACH

        Bill, you're asking questions.

 

BILL

        Damn, I always forget.

 

DORIS

        Look, can we stop for a second?

 

IMPROV COACH

        No, this is great.  You guys are doing great.  Keep going.

 

BILL

        Uh...you're my girlfriend... and you should become a prostitute.

 

DORIS

(deep breath)

        Honey!  That's a brilliant idea.  I think I'll start right now!

 

Doris begins seductively walking.

 

BILL

        Wait!  You're doing it wrong.  Let me show you.

 

Bill rolls around on the floor.

 

IMPROV COACH

(laughing)

        That's really great, Bill, but don't forget: don't get caught up-

 

BILL

        In a teaching-scene, right?

 

IMPROV COACH

        Exactly!  Now, you're good enough that you can break the rules...

 

BILL

        Oh, pshaw!

 

They both laugh.

 

DORIS

        Listen, I was hoping we could work on some time-jumps-

 

IMPROV COACH

        Doris, is it alright if I be the coach?  I mean, I've been doing this for 18 years, and you're paying me $40 an hour; but if you want to coach, then I'll just shut the fuck up.

 

DORIS

        I'm sorry.

 

IMPROV COACH

        It's fine.  Let's work on characterization through physicality.  Focus on leading with a part of your body, and let your characters come from that.

 

Beat.

 

        Okay, your suggestion is "blizzard."

 

Doris plays an very old man who lead with his head.

 

DORIS

        Benjamin, I am so happy I found you.  What a gathering!  Merry Christmas!

 

BILL

(in the most racist stereotype of a Chinese accent ever)

        Oh, hello, Angelina Jolie.  You are a hot tomato!

 

DORIS

(breaking character)

        Okay, I'm done with this.

 

She grabs her bag, takes out her wallet, and throws money onto the floor.

 

BILL

        What are you doing?  We have a show at the West 4th Street subway platform this weekend!  Also, do you wanna go out with me?

 

DORIS

        Fuck off, Bill.

 

Doris leaves.

 

IMPROV COACH

        Bill, now that she's gone - how would you like to host a network, late-night talk show?

 

End.

PAUL PAKLER is an actor and writer living in New York City.
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BI-COASTAL

A look at the two very different sides of our country.
by Alex Syiek (Writer/Performer)

I was at my dentist's office in Southern California today, getting in all my last minute cavity fillings before I have to stop riding off my parents' insurance, and the dentist asked me if I thought I would move back to Los Angeles area any time soon (I'm in California on vacation for a couple of weeks). I told her that I didn't think so, as I love New York so much. And besides, I continued to explain, you're either a New York person or a Los Angeles person. Well that got my dentist very curious. She asked "Well, what makes you a Los Angeles person versus a New York person?" So I thought I spend today's post doing a little side-by-side of the differences between those two very special groups of people. Now remember, everything I say here is derived from stereotypes, so don't get your panties in a bunch if you get offended.

Without further ado, Los Angeles People VS New York People!:

1. OCEANS
   
   If you're a Los Angeles person, you probably live a lot closer to the Pacific Ocean. On the other hand, those crazy New Yorkers live closer to the Atlantic Ocean! Now who's making a splash?!
   
   
2. CHARTER CITY IN SQUARE MILES
   
   If you're a Los Angeles person, you live in a sprawling metropolitan landscape spanning 503 sq. miles. On the other hand, those people from the "Big Apple" live in a gorgeous city stretching 469 sq. miles. Sign me up!
   
   
3. ACQUISITION FROM NATIVE PEOPLES
   
   If you're a Los Angeleno, you live in lands formerly occupied by the Chumash tribe. While those ravenous New York folk gobbled up the lands that belonged to Lanape bands. Talk about different, amiright?!
   
   
4. TIME DIFFERENCE
   
   If you're in Los Angeles, you don't find it strange when you look at your watch and see that it is 9:00 in the morning. But what if I told you that in New York, it's already noon! Obviously, New Yorkers think they're too good for LA time. Play ball!
   
   
5. SONGS ABOUT THE CITY
   
   Los Angeles citizens can be heard singing Randy Newman's classic, "I Love L.A." at all hours of the night, while New York citizens hum "Broadway School Days" (from the revue The Passing Show Of 1916) as they walk the streets. Sign me up!

So there you have it! All the important details you need to know about what makes an Los Angeles person different from a New York person. Don't get 'em confused now! (But really. I consider myself a resident of both, and love both very much, and while generalizations about the two different camps run wild, stereotypes never got anyone anywhere nice. So, I don't know. Be Amurican. Give a hearty cheers to all our wonderful athletes bringing home gold, silver, and bronze medals from the Rio Summer Olympics, no matter if they're from L.A., N.Y.C., Cleveland, or Juneau.)

HOW TO PREPARE FOR THE OLYMPICS

...for couch potatoes.
By Alisha Giampola (Writer/Performer) 

It's that time again. Every four years, we all collectively look down, brush some of the potato chip crumbs off of our shirts, and wonder if it's way too late to think about becoming an Olympic athlete (it definitely is). 

I remember even as a little girl watching the Olympics and knowing with total confidence: oh man, here's something I'm already too old for. The tiny, fierce little US female gymnasts that dominated the 1996 Atlanta Olympics, all my age or just a few years older, already seemed impossible to catch up to. It was clear that none of them had ever done anything except for vaulting their bodies up into the air and landing flawlessly every single day of their as-yet short lives.

I was not a sporty child. I took ballet and was mediocre at it. I disliked both games (rules) and exercise (boring/repetitive). If I had a long Saturday afternoon with nothing to do, I preferred heading to the library with my mom to organizing a backyard baseball game with the kids in the neighborhood. I loved swimming, and was good at it, but mostly enjoyed watching my shadow at the bottom of the pool so that I could press my legs together and pretend that they were fins and I was Ariel. I had a treasured American Girl magazine with a Tara Lipinski interview in it, but was primarily enamored of her gorgeous costumes. 

So even if, like me, you're a few decades or a few bags of Cool Ranch Doritos beyond qualifying for this year's Olympics in Rio, what can you do to prepare?

SNACKS

Watching the games is time-consuming and cheering is tiring. You're going to need to stock up on plenty of snacks to fuel your weekends of binge-watching incredibly toned men swim 100 meters faster than you can melt cheese in a microwave. Which brings me to...

NAPS

Adequate sleep is vital for any athlete and you, as a loyal athletic supporter, need to be well-rested to catch all those moments someone stumbles on their gymnastics mat routine. Can you believe that guy? You could have done better, if you too had trained for 15 years.  

"If I had ever learnt, I should have been a great proficient!" -Jane Austen
(Lady Catherine de Bourgh is the original Me Watching The Olympics)

ENDURANCE TRAINING

The Olympics in Rio don't start until this Friday, and thanks to modern technology and the existence of digital streaming platforms, there will be actual coverage of 6,755 hours of Olympic excitement. That's a level of marathoning no quantity of Everything and Chill can prepare you for. However, those of you who may need some last-minute viewing prep, may we recommend Netflix's really fabulous Stranger Things, which is basically if Stephen King got involved in the making of The Sandlot? Also, as if you already didn't need a reminder that you're far too old for the Olympics, suddenly being reminded how fucking long ago the eighties were is the perfect smack in the face. That, or remembering that some of the CHILDREN competing in this year's games were BORN in the year 2000!!! WHAT.

SCHADENFREUDE

No, not the musical number from Avenue Q, but the actual portmanteau of emotions that enables one to watch attractive people at the height of their abilities and not feel like an utter failure in comparison. Every time the Olympics rolls around, the media gleefully reminds us that the Olympic Village is basically a Roman orgy every moment that the athletes aren't actively competing. It's hard not to be jealous of people who are all insanely hot and flexible and mainly wearing coverage-equivalents of bikinis heading back to luxurious accommodations and stripping off each others gold and silver medals in a haze of raw pheromones and hot tub steam. This year, however, it's really fun to remember that the athlete housing in Rio has been called unfit for occupancy- sporting exposed wiring and general filth -as well as the fact that the water is running with sewage and human waste. So, go ahead and imagine all those fit people getting it on: just also imagine them getting stomach viruses immediately afterwards. HAHA. 

GOOD LUCK! 

No amount of preparation can get you in the headspace you need to perform well, ultimately the difference between a winner and a loser is a mere billionth of a second, which is exactly why it feels so futile to even make the attempt. Not to mention that the Olympic medals haven't been made out of solid gold since 1912, which naturally feels like a huge rip-off. So don't feel too bad about not qualifying for this, or any Olympics. Remember that if you want to wear roughly 6 grams of real gold while shivering in a Speedo, you can probably make that happen for yourself without spending 10 hours a day training.

"Jerri, what does V-I-C-T-O-R-Y spell?"

ALISHA GIAMPOLA is an NYC based actor/teacher/writer who knows that V-I-C-T-O-R-Y spells WIN! 
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BRIAN WILSON WROTE A RAP SONG ABOUT MALE FEMINISM IN 1990 AND IT DESERVES SOME DAMN RESPECT

I'll have none of your sass, Internet. 
By Tom Rizzuto

Here are the facts. In 1990 Beach Boys founder and universally acknowledged musical genius, Brian Wilson was not in a great place. He was still reeling from the effects of decades of mental illness and substance abuse, he was being treated by controversial psychiatrist Eugene Landy (who most believe to have been unethical and manipulative), and his recording career was at a standstill.

"Tell Kanye West I think he's adorable. Spunky little guy."

It was during this tumultuous period in his life that Wilson wrote and recorded a rap song called Smart Girls. The song was coproduced by and recorded at the insistence of Landy, and was intended for Wilson’s 1990 album Sweet Insanity. The album was rejected by Wilson’s record label and never released. It resurfaced years later and this song in particular is generally swept under the rug by most Beach Boys and Brian Wilson aficionados.

COMPLETELY ACCURATE REVIEWS OF CHILDREN'S BOOKS: THE SQUEAKQUEL

Summer themed, for your summer reading pleasure.
By Alisha Giampola (Writer/Performer)

Remember that time I reviewed a bunch of horrifying children's books? Which I am particularly qualified to do as I spend inordinate amounts of my time reading said books to, well, children? I'm sure you didn't imagine those are the only children's books I have opinions about, did you? 

Send everyone 18 and under out of the room and let's do this, bitches.

This fantastic Julie Klausner gif brought to you by the premiere of Difficult PeopIe, season 2.
If you aren't watching, you're part of the problem. 

* * * * * * * * * * * * * * * *

  

Ten Little Fish
This starts off harmlessly enough. Just ten little fish, swimming in a line. Like fish do, I guess. One by one they drop off from the pack (well, the school) as they get lost, make friends with other sea animals, hide from predators, eat snacks, take naps, etc. Eventually only one fish is left. This fish is lonely for the span of an entire page until another fish comes along and they immediately fall in love and become a mommy and daddy fish, because life as a fish is incredibly heteronormative. Then, these fish go on to have ten baby fish of their own, because life is also meaningless and cyclical. 

Who Sank The Boat?
A group of farm animals decide to go on a nautical outing. One by one as they enter the boat, we are asked to ponder if this will be the animal who sinks the boat. The size shaming starts immediately and doesn't back down. All the large animals are so careful and cautious as they embark, but still they tilt and rock the boat dangerously. Even the pig, who we are repeatedly reminded is "fat", safely boards the absurdly small craft. Finally, the teeeeeeny tiny mouse leaps with abandon onto the boat and, surprise, is the one to sink it. Remember kids, society will like you better if you are small, and thin people can get away with just about anything.

Pete The Cat: I Love My White Shoes
Everyone's favorite cool cat Pete is back, and this time, he's a hipster. Pete loves his white high-top Chuck Taylors, but has the misfortune to constantly walk through unbelievably enormous piles of sticky messy things like strawberries and mud until his shoes are absolutely filthy. Pete spends the whole time singing happily about his shoes and the different messy colors they keep turning. Finally, Pete steps into a bucket of water which washes his shoes as clean as if it was a bucket of bleach. We are told that the moral of this story is that no matter what sticky pile of crap you step in on the road of life, you can always find something to sing about. I'm kind of like, well yeah, if I knew that magic cleansing water existed I'd probably be pretty happy all the time too. 

Hooray For Fish!
All fish are great, no matter their size, color, personality, or religion. Each fish is celebrated for its individuality until finally our young fish guide, our Virgil on this journey under the sea, finds his favorite fish of all, his mom. Minus one hundred points for having no discernible plot.

TEA

I take photographs from the internet and then write short stories about them!

By Paul Pakler (Actor, Writer)

(Photograph by Harry Whittier Frees)

 

Dramatis Personae:

(from left to right)

Dorothy

Emily

Bernice

Henrietta

Mildred

Scene:

A Dining Room.  DOROTHY, EMILY, BERNICE, HENRIETTA, and MILDRED drink tea.

DOROTHY

        It is so nice to have tea again.

MILDRED

        Yes.

EMILY

        It really is. Thank you, Bernice.

BERNICE

        Yes, well, I have always kept stores. Maman taught us to be prepared for all contingencies.

 

Silence.

 

MILDRED

        Thank goodness for that, Bernice.

EMILY

        I used to love having white tea in the evening. Alex and I-

 

Emily bursts into tears.

 

BERNICE

        Emily, stop that now.

EMILY

(through tears)

        He hasn’t written in weeks!

DOROTHY

        Emily, I am sure that Alex is fine-

BERNICE

        Emily, compose yourself. I shall not have this.

EMILY

        I am so sorry, Bernice.

BERNICE

        If it would be of help to you, you may stay here, with me, until Alex returns home.

EMILY

        Thank you, Bernice, you are a true friend.

 

Silence.

 

DOROTHY

        Let us talk of something else, shall we?

HENRIETTA

        Have you heard of the developments in Kerbinsk?

MILDRED

        Would you hush up, Henrietta!

HENRIETTA

        No, I will not!

DOROTHY

(through tears)

        Please, Henrietta-

HENRIETTA

        The government in Kerbinsk has fallen, and people are predicting-

 

Mildred slaps Henrietta, hard, across the face.

                 

BERNICE

        MILDRED! HENRIETTA! PLEASE! We are ladies, and I will not have fighting in this house!

EMILY

        These damned rebels… They are just filled with lies! Alex and I have spent our lives helping the unfortunate.

BERNICE

        You have, Emily. We all have.

EMILY

        What, do they want all of our money?! Don’t they know that there will always be people who are more fortunate?!

HENRIETTA

        Have you seen their posters?

EMILY

        “Everyone is the same.” Hogwash!

BERNICE

        No one is the same as anyone else.

MILDRED

        Just look at us!

DOROTHY

        God made each and every one of us special in his eyes.

EMILY

        Yes! Alex once told me that the rebels don’t even believe in God!

HENRIETTA

        Really?!

MILDRED

        I hope they round up and shoot every one of them. Right in the Square for all to see.

EMILY

        Yes!  Or burn them all up so they can all be the same as each other!

BERNICE

        That would certainly teach the country a thing or two. “You can either die, or you can continue to live in this land of true freedom.”

HENRIETTA

        Haha! That would teach them!

 

Silence.

 

DOROTHY

        Oh, I seem to have finished my tea. Bernice, could we perhaps prepare some more?

BERNICE

        This…was the last of the tea.

    DOROTHY   

        I shouldn’t have been so presumptuous.

BERNICE

        There is no need to apologise, Dorothy.

 

Outside the locked door, there is the sound of shouting and then gunshots.

Silence.

REBELS begin kicking in the door.

The cats watch and wait.

End.

 

PAUL PAKLER is an actor and writer living in New York City.
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THE BEST POKER FACES TO EMULATE WHEN YOUR GRANDPARENTS TELL YOU THEY'RE VOTING FOR TRUMP

"It won't happen to me," you say innocently. But then it does. Be prepared.
By Jennifer Anderson (Actor/Singer/Good Grandkid)

Well, it finally happened. Your grandpa slipped into a retirement so boring and vapid that he was forced to take interest in Fox News. He became indoctrinated by their propaganda. He began listening to Glen Beck on the radio and "liked" Ben Carson on Facebook (but somehow still can't figure out how to post a status.) And your poor grandmother, who voted for Obama in 2008, fell into the rabbit hole of the "fair and balanced" and is now riding the crazy train along with your grandpa. There's no turning back. They've been bitten by the zombies and are now flesh eaters themselves, and there's nothing you can do but save yourself and bolt the door shut so they can't break in and eat you too. They're voting for Donald Trump.

Given the choice between voting Trump and being stabbed to death in a shower by Norman Bates...well, Norman Bates is kinda hot, right? I mean maybe we could work something out?

It's a sad fate and a long, laborious road ahead. They will have to deal with the fact that if their choice for president wins, their granddaughter will more than likely be relocating to wherever the hell this is:

But just because your politics are at odds doesn't mean that one of your last days as an American citizen has to be spent fighting over an Oompa Loompa and his abilities to run a nation. No, you owe it to your hardworking and docile grandparents to keep your anger at bay. Think of all the checks they've sent you over the years. All the boring recitals and horrible school plays they've attended, all with a wide grin plastered on their faces. You owe it to them to just nod and smile, and then evacuate the country without so much as a "see you later."

So that leaves a few final, daunting tasks: keep a straight face when you drive up to their house and see a Donald Trump sign in their front yard. Swallow your bile when you see your grandpa wearing a "Make America Great Again" ball cap. Bite your tongue so hard you could fit a 0000 gage in the resulting hole when your grandma defends Trump's tax secrecy. This will surely provide some difficulty, but not to fret Crazytowners. I've compiled the best poker faces on the Internet to study and practice so that we can all visit our grandparents one last, peaceful time before we head to Bali.

This guy:

When your grandparents ask you why you're wearing a hoodie in Boca Raton, Florida in the middle of July, tell them you have a bad fever and are trying to sweat it out. That will cover for the body chills you'll inevitably experience when dear old grandpa says he's says he admires Trump for his "straightforward thinking." Shuddershuddershuddershuddershudder.

This dude:

When your grandmother tells you she's voting for Trump because he represents hope, don't tell her that she's confusing him with Obama from 10 years ago. Just pretend you're staring at the dealer as he passes around the next hand.

This meme:

If it makes it easier to imagine your mouth as a thin black line, as opposed to a vehicle to deliver rational thought to ears that just won't hear it, do that.

I'll see you guys in Indonesia.

 

JENNIFER ANDERSON is an actor and singer living in Brooklyn. When she finally learns how to actually play poker, she won't need to worry about her face giving her away. This election has provided more than enough practice. www.jenniferjanderson.com
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HOW DOES LIFE GO AGAIN?

Readjusting to life without school.
By Alex Syiek (Musical Theatre Writer/Performer)

So my first year at NYU's Graduate Musical Theater Writing Program has come to a close.....and now what? Honestly, I've been so entrenched in the madness that is our curriculum that I have to figure out what to do with my new-found free time. So far, I have a few ideas:

1. GO TO THE PARK
   The weather is changing, and it's getting warm. I wore shorts for the first time this year yesterday! I was really excited. Gotta air out those calves. And today, I just sat on a bench in Union Square and listened to life around me, not thinking about anything else. I recommend. 10/10.
   
   
   Suuuuunnnnn...
   
   
2. GYMTIME
   Having more free time means more time to hit the gym and work on that summer body that I should have been striving for back in the winter. So I will at least have a late-fall body. Fashionably late is hip, right?
   
   
   Killer swimsuit.

THE UNEXPECTED VIRTUE OF IGNORANCE

Cuddly as a cactus and charming as an eel.
By Alisha Giampola (Writer/Performer)

I don't usually post about politics just for politics-sake here on Crazytown. Usually I try to keep things arts-related and even frequently autobiographical, but let's be real- the arts are often very political, and rightly so. Artists have been affecting political change since long before Franz Joseph Haydn composed his famous "Farewell Symphony" for what was essentially the very first musician's strike. The upcoming election and all the ridiculousness of this entire election cycle have provided moments of artists using their voices to advocate for change, or their personal candidate of choice. Sarah Silverman put out a characteristically adorable video voicing her support for Bernie Sanders, the ladies of Broad City put Hillary Clinton in an episode, Sarah Palin endorsed Trump and then Tina Fey endorsed Darrell Hammond on SNL with what appeared to be very few changes to the script. 

If you've managed to get through this year without some kind of super uncomfortable political discussion with your in-laws, or parents, or cousins, or someone on social media, then major props to you and what's your secret and is it wine and if so, did you bring any extra to share?

But sometimes art doesn't imitate politics, sometimes politics just straight-up imitates art. I was unfortunately watching Donald Trump giving some speech about something somewhere the other day (probably a speech full of words, since Trump notoriously is a user of many words, some good, some even gooder) and here's a quick disclaimer before I go on: I'm aware that this guy needs more media coverage like he needs more ugly buildings with his name on them. Yes, it's sad that he's even made it even this far partly because the media is hanging on his every inane word. But you know what? He is (unfortunately) currently an actual, real life candidate for president and therefore deserves the scrutiny of the nation. The nation that allowed their obsession with reality TV to get to a point where someone whose primary credentials are his reality-TV-stardom is up for the most important job in the country. Well, I've done my own brand of scrutinizing, and I think I may have discovered why Trump isn't exactly clinching that coveted "younger people" vote- and it's not just because of his super-unnecessary cameo in Home Alone 2...

Donald Trump: He's Actually The Villain From All Your Favorite Childhood Movies!

Well this is an easy one. Bob Gale, the screenwriter for Back To The Future: II, has quite openly admitted that the 2015 version of Biff Tannen is 100% based on Donald Trump. Which makes me wonder, what else did Bob Gale correctly predict about our current world?! Should we all bet on the Cubs to win the World Series?! Will fax machines make a comeback??!!

Thinking about the alien cockroach who inhabits unsuspecting farmer Vincent D'Onofrio's body and loves sugar in Men In Black was what got this post started in my mind in the first place. I guess what I'm saying is that sometimes Donald Trump looks like a sack of overly tanned flesh being inhabited by aliens. Speaking of....

I can't be the only person here who thinks Trump's spirit animal is probably Oogie Boogie from The Nightmare Before Christmas, right? Oogie is "the meanest guy around", loves gambling, hates other people, and is basically a lumpy beige sack full of bugs. If that doesn't remind you of everyone's (least) favorite billionaire candidate, I don't know what does.

Not only does Trump physically remind us of Ursula the Sea Witch from Disney's The Little Mermaid, but he also enjoys creating legally binding contracts that benefit no one but himself, preying on the vulnerable, making fun of people's physical appearances, putting down women and reducing their worth to their sexuality, all while exploiting the disenfranchised for his gain. Perhaps he can be stopped with a magical trident! Has anyone considered that? 

Like Syndrome from The Incredibles,  Trump has a bizarre, flaming bouffant and weirdly tiny hands.

Now that you've seen it, I bet you can't stop imagining Trump, like the Sheriff of Nottingham, taking money directly from a pair of church mice while talking about how much poor people suck.

On the other hand, perhaps he is more like that other villain of Robin Hood, childish and easily offended Prince John. It can't be a coincidence that neither sleeps soundly unless surrounded by gold and yes-men. 

If Donald Trump lived in the universe of The Princess Bride, would he be an Albino who works in The Pit of Despair? I simply see no evidence pointing to the contrary. 

ALISHA GIAMPOLA is an NYC based actor/teacher/writer who is not a celebrity, so she realizes that this is pretty much her one platform to implore you to not vote for Donald Trump this November. Just please don't. #makedonalddrumpfagain
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