Crazytown

ANATOMY OF A CHILDREN'S RECITAL (FROM AN ADULT'S POINT OF VIEW)

Bonus stress points if you're a teacher or a parent
By Jennifer Lin (Music Director) 

As a child, I performed in too many recitals to count, but I never quite got over the nerves that accompanied each performance.

What I didn't realize, however, is that the nervousness of being a kid performer is nothing compared to that of the teachers and parents. Some examples (that may or may not have happened to me over the weekend, when some of my students were performing):

• When a kid starts a song too fast/slow, there's nothing you can do except nod your head to the tempo they should be going at and hope that the wind of your head moving back and forth somehow reaches them and telepathy will tell them the correct BPM

• When a performer makes a mistake and stumbles, you want to sing the next section so they can continue on, but all you can do is grit your teeth and try not to grimace

• And finally, the worst thing - when a child completely freezes up in the middle of their piece, every second that ticks by feels like an eternity, your heart feels like it's stopped, and every part of you that can sweat (and some you didn't know about) immediately releases several liters of nervous water, and you're doing everything you can to not just run to the piano and finish the song for them

I had done a short hike in the morning before the recital, and I think I sweat more during the one hour concert than I did on a 7 mile hike. Recitals: the new hot yoga! (Not recommended for the faint of heart, and not approved by any doctors or yoga trainers.)

JENNIFER LIN has very emotional connections to inanimate objects and is obsessed with polka dots. She works in and around Los Angeles as a music director/teacher, which means she drives way too much, drinks a lot of tea, and is constantly eating.
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PERMANENTLY SLIGHTLY SICK

What does being 100% healthy feel like again?
By Jennifer Lin (Music Director) 

I recently came back from a trip to Japan, where, on the second day of a 6 day trip, I got food poisoning and was consequently uncomfortably ill the rest of the time.

Upon returning to the US, my stomach woes ceased and were replaced almost immediately by congestion and a sore throat, which, I've realized, had plagued me for months on end before I went to Japan. I don't remember the last time I didn't have at least one little thing health-wise wrong with me. Sometimes it's been lots of lower back pain from simple things like walking; other times I seem to have lots of interesting things in my phlegm that shouldn't be there. Part of me wants to attribute this to hypochondria, but another is wondering if it's almost a new normal for me now. Maybe my body handles stress/lack of sleep by being a little bit under the weather. Also, my weird sense of guilt (I call it "first generation guilt" - thanks, Mom and Dad) prevents me from taking more than one sick day at a time on my freelancer schedule, so maybe I never fully recovered from an illness months ago and it's still taking its toll on me.

No matter what the reason, being always slightly sick sounds like an appropriately passive aggressive thing my body would do, so I'm not surprised.

Image via Gunshow

JENNIFER LIN has very emotional connections to inanimate objects and is obsessed with polka dots. She works in and around Los Angeles as a music director/teacher, which means she drives way too much, drinks a lot of tea, and is constantly eating.
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THAT'S A TERRIBLE IDEA FOR A MUSICAL

Or why I need to stop saying such foolish things.
By Rachel James (Treasurer/Writer)

While out for drinks the other night with a friend, the topic came around to some new musicals coming around. One or both us thought {insert whatever show YOU feel here} sounded like a terrible idea for a musical. My friend then asked, “Well, let’s think of some musicals that sound like terrible ideas but are actually good.” My first thought was Sunday in the Park with George (“Artists singing about art. And there's pointillism. Kill me now.”). My friend mentioned Sweeney Todd (“This barber kills people above a pie shop, and they bake the bodies into the pies. And there’s singing.”). Once we got through a decent amount of Sondheim’s repertoire, we finished out drinks and moved on to other topics.

But it got me thinking: what are some good musicals that are birthed from weird/delusional/mad ideas? I posed the question to my Facebook friends, and here is what people came up with.

Annie

 

A musical based off the comic strip “Little Orphan Annie”. Why?

1776

 

As former Crazytown writer Gregory Jacobs-Roseman put it: “A musical about the signing of the Declaration of Independence? That'll have 'em rolling in the aisles.”

UP AND DOWN WEEK

By Rachel James (Treasurer/Writer)

Well, this has been an interesting week, hasn’t it? Lunar New Year, Mardi Gras, and Donald Trump might actually become the Republican nominee. And it’s all capping off with Valentine’s Day. Doesn’t that sound lovely?

Image via

I’m dodging the candy and flowers by watching England beat Italy in Six Nations Rugby, training for the half marathon I’m running in September, and seeing who wins at the BAFTAs.

Oh, and this will be playing on repeat. Because I still miss him.

 

See you next week!

RACHEL JAMES is a native New Yorker and theatre baby. Her plays have been produced by The 52nd Street Project and Starfish Theatreworks. She currently makes a living as a Broadway treasurer.
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WORDS THAT SHOULD GO UNSAID

A small request from your friends of southern origin
By Jennifer Anderson (Actor/Singer/Sociolinguist)

Crazytown, it's time for me to air some grievances.

Well, to be honest, one specific grievance. This one goes out to all you snowbirds who have so ceremoniously made your home in the conclaves of New England, all you sun kissed Californians who bask in the golden glow of the beach all day, and all you pacific Northwesterners who so graciously gave us flannel, Grunge, and putting birds on everything.

You have to stop saying "y'all."

See what they did there?

Listen, I know where you're coming from. The south has some pretty awesome things that you want to take part in: the best BBQ, the best college football, and the best soda. And by all means, please, take all of it that you can get. But you just can't take "y'all."

Why, you ask? It's simple. It just doesn't work on anyone from above the Mason-Dixon Line. It comes across as inauthentic. Forced. A manipulation of centuries worth of lazy speech patterns and hard drawl crammed into a mouth that routinely says things like "kale salad with the grass fed beef, please," "the Red Sox suck this year," "sorry I'm late the L train was delayed again" and "it's totally possible to do Crossfit and be a Vegan."

The map of "Y'all." I'll allow Kansas and parts of Nebraska.

"Y'all" is a privilege, not a right. To be able to say "y'all," you need to have experienced mudding in your truck (or your brother's '92 Navajo) at least 3 times. You need to have grown up on Sweet Tea (Publix has the best vintage. If you don't know what Publix is and you still insist on saying "y'all" then you are an embarrassment to your friends, your family, and your country.) You need to know what Cow Tipping is. If Fried Chicken, Fried Okra...okay basically anything fried...wasn't 80% of your diet from ages 2.5 til 18, then you have not earned the distinction of "y'all." 

So let's make a deal. Y'all stay away from "y'all," and I'll stay away from "wicked awesome," "hella," or trying to pronounce the names of any type of Italian food as if I was from New York. Deal? Deal.

Thanks y'all!

 

JENNIFER ANDERSON is an actor and singer living in Brooklyn. She maintains that if you've never had a Pub Sub, you've never truly lived. www.jenniferjanderson.com
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#TBT: SnowMyGod

A word of advice from your elders.
By Jennifer Anderson (Actor/Singer/Human Snow Plow)

Right now, I'll bet you're walking the streets surrounded by brown and yellow snow/mush. Right now I'll bet all the trains and buses are running. I'll bet you're cursing up a storm because it's alternate side parking and you can't find a spot. And I'll bet a number of you are hustling and bustling to get to work, or maybe to the gym, or maybe even a Broadway show.

"I really think I'm gonna get it this time!" -A powerball ticket holder or someone trying for the Hamilton lottery? Your chances are roughly the same, statistically speaking.

Let me take you back to a simpler time, a time approximately 120 hours ago. There were no cars or trains then. No buses either. And alternate side parking? That was just a twinkle in Mayor DiBlasio's eye.

I hear what you're saying, you spoiled brats of the future. "But, like, what if you wanted brunch?" If you wanted brunch, you had to trudge through the snow and wind to go get it yourself. There was no GrubHub. There was no delivery. No bodegas. Not even any food trucks. 

What did we do for food, you say? Well, we had to hunt. We grabbed our spears and our bows and arrows to hunt in the snow covered streets among buried automobiles. If we were lucky, we would find a bison or a perhaps a large emu. But most of the time, we had to live off of the stale Special K cereal and freezer burned Tostitos we had hiding in the back of our cabinets and refrigerators. It was tough, but that's how we lived. 

Title*: "Jennifer Gets Hungry During Winter Storm Jonas. Brooklyn, NY" Done with pencil on old Trader Joe's bag.

Liquor? I laugh at your naivety. We made our own moonshine in our bathtubs with the corn mash we saved from the summers. We’d sit around the dinner table, tell stories of the war, and sip heartily from our homemade brew. If we were really desperate, we’d find the old Heineken in the basement from the last house party we had. Those were the lean times.

I only use my grandfather's recipe.

There were no Broadway shows or improv classes for entertainment. We had to make our own fun. We made intricate shadow puppets from our hands, lit by the many candles we used for lighting. We did this once we watched everything on our Netflix queue.

So my advice to you, youngin's? Be thankful for what you have. The train may be late, the bus maybe stuck in traffic, the line at the Bodega may be three miles long, the brunch wait may be 45 minutes...but at least it's there. And you're here. And that's pretty damn awesome.

 *That picture is actually titled "A Native American Moose Hunting in the North Western Territory" By Reverend Samuel Manning.

 

JENNIFER ANDERSON is an actor and singer living in Brooklyn. She had the song "Burnin' Up" in her head for the entirety of the storm. www.jenniferjanderson.com
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CHRISTMAS COUNTDOWN

T-minus 192 hours...
By Jennifer Anderson (Actor/Singer/Santa enthusiast)

Crazytown, it's a week til Christmas Eve.

 

And I know all of you out there, like me, were done with your shopping weeks ago and are now sitting by a cozy fire, gazing lovingly at your picture perfect Christmas Tree with your ornately wrapped gifts placed delicately below...

...yeah. Who are we kidding?

Like me, you've waited until the last possible second to get anyone gifts (but you were totally right on top of getting Star Wars tickets when they first came out, amiright?) It's 70 degrees in New York so the only fire you're sitting by is the one in your soul when you have to fight the crowds. In Penn Station. After SantaCon. And, you probably closely resemble Aunt Chippy when trying to wrap gifts:

 
I'm convinced this woman is a part of my boyfriend's family.

Don't worry, fellow Crazytowners. We're all in the same boat. So I'm here to give a simple step-by-step guide on how to survive last minute holiday shopping. It's helped me for many years in the past, and there's nothing I like better than imparting knowledge on to my closest Crazytown friends.

1. Get lots of sleep the night before shopping because you are far better adept to deal with bullshit when you've gotten your 8 hours.
2. Have a hearty breakfast because stress + hunger = HANGRY and that will kill any prospects of getting shit done.
   
3. Wear large headphones to drown out any and all chatter from annoying fellow shoppers around you. This tip is especially helpful when encountering tourists or people working for Greenpeace.
   
4. Take the Xanax that you've shoved in your purse especially for this occasion.
5. Take the Klonopin that you've hidden in your wallet because the Xanax isn't working.
6. Try not to cry when the line at TJMaxx runs about a quarter of a mile long. ("I am NOT a Maxxinista!")
   
7. Give up and buy everyone gift cards from the kiosks at Duane Reade
8. Go home and watch the South Park episode with Mr. Hankey. Pat yourself on the back for getting really thoughtful gifts for everyone. ("Grandma's heard of iTunes, right?")

 

JENNIFER ANDERSON is an actor and singer living in Brooklyn. She's thankful that her niece and nephew just asked for cash this year. www.jenniferjanderson.com
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THANKSGIVING LEFTOVERS

All the stuff I want to write about, mashed into a big ol' turkey sandwich.
By Jennifer Anderson (Actor/Singer)

One of the benefits of writing for this town of Crazies, as I've expounded upon before, is the looming Monday 11:59pm deadline that requires some piece of writing. Some weeks I have the article written by Sunday, filled with literary brilliance and impeccable insight. Rarely Often, I have no idea what to say. That rings true for this week especially, when I've still got loads of Tryptophan running through my blood and my jeans don't fit anymore.

It's in these moments that I've learned to look for inspiration in places I wouldn't normally. I started to write about each of these things separately, but then I thought since we're all so used to gluttony in these ending months of the year, why not just cram all this good stuff into one post like you'd cram 6 different kinds of pie in your mouth.

1)  Teaching my mom how to use her new iPhone.

Mom's first text message.

 

2)  The Phenomenon of Gate Lice (especially relevant around the holidays)

Sure, you're in row 12 and they just started to pre-board people in wheelchairs, so you're perfectly justified in standing right at the entrance to the gate even though there will be 5 more categories of passengers to call before it's your turn. Just don't throw me shade when I roll over your foot with my carry- on suitcase.

3)  That same lady that comes to the gym with no deodorant and the whole place ends up smelling like BO. Does she smell herself? If she does and doesn't care, more power to her. If she doesn't, I want that super power too.

4)  Teaching mom how to use Facebook.

"Do I have to take a picture for my profile now? I don't have any make up on."

5)  Linda, who will single-handedly destroy ISIS.

Has Obama seen this? We need to get her on board.

6)  Trying to figure out those "live picture" things on the new iPhone. Does anyone get the point of this feature? If you do, please email and tell me because I don't know if it has a purpose.

7)  Teaching mom how to use the DVD player from 1999. Notice a theme?

8)  The weird way Selena Gomez says the word "good" in her song "Good For You"

This article talks about it.

9)  How the kids in the 1-877-Kars-4-Kids commercial aren't even trying to pretend that they're playing those instruments.

Come on, guys! At least figure out how to play, like, 2 chords on those things. There's probably only 2 chords you'd need to know to play the whole song.

10) Kids today have no idea what JNCO jeans are and how important they were to our social standings. Want to feel old as all hell? Watch this video.

 

JENNIFER ANDERSON is an actor and singer living in Brooklyn. She deeply regrets that 4th serving of stuffing. www.jenniferjanderson.com
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DRIVE-BY OPINIONS

I spend way too much time trying to figure out why some crazy person came up to me and said something crazy. (Cue people who are going to write me an email about the word 'Crazy'.) I don't mean people in need of care, people who are obviously unbalanced in a medical way or even those voting for Ben Carson. I mean regular(ish) people who want to volunteer their opinion when you didn't ask.
-By Leah Bonnema (Stand Up Comic)

We've talked about this before, extensively: This Week In Stupid Shit People Say, Ten Things Not To Say To A Comic (which really seemed to hit some nerves), A Reminder That Women Are Public Property, What Other People Think Of You Is None Of Your Business, (probably my most complete piece on the subject if I was making an anthology) and the side way of giving ones opinion --> the person who presents their judgement as a question Are You Talking To Me (which drives me up the wall).

Obviously we are all thinking, why does Leah let herself be bothered?! I KNOW. I've clearly been working on it. For a long time. It happens so much in this social media age where people IRL act as if they're posting a youtube comment when they walk up to you and randomly give feedback. And in the comedy profession it's just a regular occurrence; I'm in a hotbed of drive-by opinions. A lot of times, I would say more than half, I water off a duck's back that shiznit. But sometimes, when the moon is full, or I'm hangry, someone really just gets to my proverbial goat.

I don't think so much about what the person said, I more obsess on WHY?! I know it's a fool's errand. I'm in therapy. Don't engage with crazy. I even have a joke about it. But uh, what's it like inside that narcissistic head that makes a person think they have the right. Often I try and turn the other cheek in these situations, take the high road, you get what I'm saying... Because once you engage with crazy you lose. Crazy has never been like "Oh my goodness, I just never saw it from your POV before..." So I don't engage, as a rule. But then I often spend the next 24hour cycle wishing I had just laid someone out.

                      Unfortunately I Give All The Fucks

COMING SOON TO TLC...

All of the drama, none of the creepy religious cults or child beauty pageants.
By Jennifer Anderson (Actor/Singer)

Hi.

My name is Jennifer. I am a hoarder.

Not in the sense that I have a garage filled with unopened boxes from QVC or doll clothes that were manufactured in 1972, but in the sense that I have NO DAMN ROOM FOR ANYTHING ON ANY PIECE OF TECHNOLOGY THAT I OWN.

I am...a digital hoarder.

My actual desktop, after I deleted some files because I was embarrassed to show you all how crowded it was. Take note of the completely outdated OS.

Screen shots of a funny Facebook status from 2 years ago? Got it. A paper from my junior year of college on Noh theatre of Japan (which, just to drive home the point, was written 11 years ago)? Saved. A downloaded resume from an old roommate who needed me to print it? It's there. (Said former roommate is no longer in the industry. She lives in Kansas with her two boys, aged 5 and 2.)

I have 3 external drives, all filled. My 7 year old computer with a 250 gig hard drive ("that should be plenty of space," said a 2008 Jennifer) currently has 1.5 gigs free. My iPhone is so full that it has starting acting as if a small demon lives inside of its hardware, wrecking havoc at only the most appropriate times.

"Oh, you're speaking to a potential client? Let's open Netflix and start playing Bob's Burgers. BWAHAHA"