...just ask me and I'll tell you about that. By Jennifer Anderson (Actor/Singer/Body Beatboxer)
Crazytown, I've been feeling very uninspired this week. I tried to crap out another Super Shitty sketch (get it?), but to no avail. Writers' block damn you, you evil mistress.
So to keep you entertained, I've decided to share one of my favorite podcast clips with you all today: It's Kyle Dunnigan and his amazing body rapping skills from the sadly defunct Professor Blastoff. Enjoy!
Or, Jennifer attempts to get her ass in gear. By Jennifer Anderson (actor/singer/writer when she has a deadline)
Crazytown, it's time for me to admit my failings as a burgeoning sketch writer. One of the first rules of starting to do this thing is to, simply, write. And write. And write some more. And write a lot more. And at that, I am terrible. Unless I have someone standing over me, or a group to hold me accountable, or a gun to my head, I can't ever sit down and barf out even the shittiest of sketches. I'll be inspired by an idea, start the first few lines, then give up when it's not as funny as Melissa McCarthy as Sean Spicer. So I've decided to use my Thursdays here at Crazytown as a tool to get myself writing. And because I like transparency and the least amount of pressure possible, my goal is that this will be the space for all of the crap I come up with but can't finish because I feel like it's not good enough. So, feel free to make fun of it. Feel free to question my ability and talent as a writer (I know I will). But my hope is that once all of the constipation of terrible ideas have passed, the really good stuff will start moving though. So enjoy! (Or don't. Probably don't.) Today's pass: "Tough and Dirty Race"
The past several weeks, it feels like everything has been spinning at me from every direction - I've felt totally out of control, and I'm a person who likes to have control. As I've tried a whole variety of things to calm myself down, one thing really helped. Disney. Really! More than yoga or binge eating junkfood, Disney has been my happy place the past few days.
by Liz Richards (writer)
These silly, sappy cartoons from childhood really have been like old forgotten friends this week.
Maybe it's an emotional release, to laugh and cry at the frivolous little cartoons.
Maybe it's nostalgia, singling along to songs that shaped me.
Maybe it's just nice to get caught up in old familiar storylines.
But this has been a crucial part of my self care this week, so there must be something to this Disney therapy! Even if it's not Disney, you should do something silly and familiar and fun this week. It'll help, I promise.
Here are a handful of my favorite Disney moments:
1) This classic Steamboat Willie sketch that makes me giggle every time!
2) This will always be my jam:
It's also worth revisiting "Colors of the Wind" - still incredibly beautiful and heartbreakingly relevant right now.
3) "Be Our Guest" because obviously.
4) Any part of The Little Mermaid because Ariel is best.
5) The "Hi Ho Song" from Snow White because Grumpy has my heart.
I don't know about you, but it was really hard to pick my favorite Disney moments. I could watch them forever! And they help.
No matter how old I get, I can always learn from these characters, my first imaginary friends. And they're always there to make me laugh, pick me up when I'm down, and get me right back on my feet with just a little song.
Find your happy, find your silly. Be unapologetically nostalgic and childish in times like these, if only for the span of a cartoon.
I think, if we have a little imagination and relearn the things that Disney taught us, we might be okay after all. Maybe there's something there.
Appreciating Autumn while still fitting into your skinny jeans. By Jennifer Anderson (Actor/Singer/I'll just take black coffee, thanks.)
Did you feel it? That magical shift in the air? That collective unsealing of Space Bags to pull out all the fleece and wool we forgot about when it was over 100 degrees? The click clacking of black Aldo pumps as every work force aged female shoves her way into whatever Starbucks is closest to her office? It is a special time: that time that every girl exits hibernation and uses her acutely attuned olfactory system to sniff out the lifeblood she's been missing over the cruel summer months. She's finally able to collect her sweet gourdish nectar and pollinate the coffee shop with crumpled up Lululemon receipts and old tampon wrappers from her purse. It's...PUMPKIN SPICE LATTE TIME.
Served Tall, Grande, Venti, or IV drip.
I jest, but I fall victim to it too. How can I help it? It's like a pumpkin pie and a line of pure Colombian cocaine fucked in the back of a Maserati and birthed a magical liquid concoction topped with whipped cream and hope. And on a day like Monday, with a breeze crisp enough to put on a...wait for it...HOODIE (swoon!), there's just nothing better to complement your morning than a Venti PSL, poured directly from a paper cup into a clean syringe and shot straight into your cubital vein.
However, this year is different. I'm on a diet. IT SUCKS. But, as sad as it is, size 6 jeans are sweeter than a drink that constitutes a third of my daily caloric allowance. So I'm forced to live on the outskirts of the best part of fall, like an orphaned child looking through the snow capped window of happy family on Christmas morning.
No, it's okay, enjoy your drink. Snow doesn't have any carbs.
Never one to feel that sorry for myself, I've compiled a list of other great things about autumn that have nothing to do with its signature drink. Join me in celebrating the following awesome things about this time of year:
1. FOOTBALL: Guys, football games are so much fun. You don't need to know anything about the actual game, just sit back and drink a cold 72 ounce beer and snack on the hot dogs and nachos they'll have at the stadium...oh, wait...Pass on that, for the sake of the waistline.
Ugh, I couldn't even think about food with the Chargers on the 45 yard line right now. But thanks.
Well, the parties are fun too! Just get a group of friends together and watch the Giants destroy the Patriots while snacking on buffalo wings and piz...yeah. Never mind.
Sorry, too full on crudite and ice.
2. LEAVES CHANGING: Heading up north and taking in all the beautiful colors New England has to to offer is by far one of my favorite parts of the fall. It's so peaceful to just sit and look at the trees while you sip a warm apple cider topped with caramel and...actually maybe a diet coke would also work well in this instance.
Nothing screams "autumn" like carbonation and aspartame and tears.
3. HALLOWEEN: I'm an actor so naturally I like playing dress up, but undoubtedly the best part of Halloween is the resurgence of my favorite sugary treat, Candy CorGODDAMNIT.
STOP STARING AT ME YOU FUCKING PUMPKIN I HAVEN'T EATEN SINCE AUGUST 24TH.
4. THANKSGIVING:
Oh fuck me. Pass the stuffing, I'll be skinny in 2017.
Dear Guilt Trip, are you there? It's me, Jen By Jennifer Lin (Music Director)
Nope, my car isn't clean yet.
And there's also this:
That's my desk. Granted, it's actually the desk in my room at my parents', so I'm not using it on a day-to-day basis. However, it's also looked this way for months.
Every visit home, my mother has asked with a mixture of hope and resignation, "You think you'll get around to your desk this time?"
My response has always been "........maybe?"
So I'm starting here, because it's (a little) less messy than my car and I can clean while in my PJs and blasting J-pop. I'll let you know if the maternal guilt trip works any better than the paternal.
JENNIFER LINhas very emotional connections to inanimate objects and is obsessed with polka dots. She works in and around Los Angeles as a music director/teacher, which means she drives way too much, drinks a lot of tea, and is constantly eating. EMAIL HER | INSTAGRAM | TWITTER | OTHER POSTS BY THIS AUTHOR
My foray into the world of whatever the hell a Zubat is. By Jennifer Anderson (Actor/Singer/Only ever played The Sims)
Oh my God, world, shut up about Pokemon Go already.
I’ve read all the articles. I’ve seen all the screenshots on social media. I’ve heard about the stampede in Central Park. I know that these little creatures can, upon download, roam around your Google accounts willy nilly, stealing any and all information about you. Never before I have I been so educated on a topic I know absolutely nothing about.
Hey there Krabby, I hear you're in the market for identity theft. Feel free to take mine, along with all of the credit card and student loan debt that goes with it. Gotta pay ‘em all!
Finally, autocorrect is correct. By Jennifer Anderson (Actor/Singer/Super intelligent)
Autocorrect can either be a savior….
Or a curse.
But let’s be real for a moment here, Crazytowners. Perhaps the most frustrating presumption that autocorrect makes is that we aren’t all a bunch of sailors on shore leave, and for some odd reason we mean to type “ducking” in nearly every single text message we ever send to anyone, sometimes several times in one sentence.
In other words, normal adult life, which I am not equipped to handle. By Jennifer Lin (Music Director)
Several things have happened within the last couple of weeks that have slowly added up to an enormous amount of stress that I didn't fully realize I was carrying around with me.
1. I temporarily moved out of my own apartment so that I could accommodate a subletter. I was happy and willing to do so, as the subletter is filling a room that we would have had empty in July, but the turnaround was fairly quick and I only had a couple of days to make the room habitable for someone else after living in it for over 2 years.
2. My boyfriend and I adopted a kitten. We're ecstatic to have her, but I haven't slept deeply since we brought her home. I feel like part of me is striving to stay awake in case we hear her cry in the middle of the night. Also, we have to leave her alone for several hours at a time when we're both working. On the surface, we comfort each other by saying "She'll be fine," but internally we're both freaking out that she'll get stuck somewhere or hurt herself while we're gone.
3. BF is also going overseas for a month. On top of adjusting my life around the new kitten, I am also trying to prepare myself for the fact that my boyfriend will be in another country where the time difference is +15 hours, and that I will be solely responsible for the kitten while he's gone. His trip happens to fall during both of our birthdays and the Fourth of July. I try to tell myself that the dates are inconsequential, but the irrational part of me gets upset that we aren't able to celebrate those days together.
4. There's a massive wildfire threatening my parents' home. My father, who is slow to panic, sent me photos of enormous plumes of smoke that were looming over their neighborhood. My parents and I have dealt with fires near our home before, but prior experience doesn't make the disaster any less terrifying. Two neighborhoods nearby are already under mandatory evacuation, and I'm refreshing our city's police department Twitter account like a madwoman in case I need to drive back to my parents and pack valuables.
But aside from all of this, everything's fine! I just needed to write down all of my woes so I could realize how whiny I sound. Next week, I'll be waxing poetic about owl cafes.
JENNIFER LINhas very emotional connections to inanimate objects and is obsessed with polka dots. She works in and around Los Angeles as a music director/teacher, which means she drives way too much, drinks a lot of tea, and is constantly eating. EMAIL HER | INSTAGRAM | TWITTER | OTHER POSTS BY THIS AUTHOR
A loose translation By Jennifer Anderson (Actor/Singer/Fan of Luon)
Yogis everywhere, rejoice! Fashion conscious workwear has exploded into our collective psyche, and now we can transition seamlessly from Vinyassa Flow to an audition without so much as a single side eye from our passing gay friend. Never before has staying in shape and staying current been so easy. And for that, we owe a great deal of thanks to Lululemon.
Kneel before me, weak and inflexible human.
Stepping into a Lululemon sometimes feels as if you've been transported to a Yoga-wear shop in Stepford somewhere. They're always meticulously decorated with clean lines and quotes on the wall like "do one thing a day that scares you" and "friends are more important thanmoney." (I'll keep that in mind the next time I'm looking for an apartment in SoHo.) But perhaps the most noticeable trait of Lululemon's brick and mortar aesthetic are the salesgirls, a gaggle of impossibly toned and adorably optimistically gals that are there to cheer you on and collect a boatload of commission as you spend $100 on ONE pair of spandex tights that you'll ultimately stink up with 2 classes of Bikram.
If you've ever been befriended by one of these ladies, you'll know that your relationship formed fast and hard. 5 minutes after you've walked in the door they have already asked you your name only to instantly replace it with their own winsome sobriquet, confessed their undying envy of how great your ass looks in a pair of rainbow colored Wunder Unders, and told you all about their free classes and which ones they teach and the proper $78 mat and $38 towel you'll need to bring to get the full experience. My first yoga class. All I needed was $1000 worth of gear, and then this happened.
But then, the ultimate shock and let down comes. You return to the same Lululemon a few weeks later to catch up with your new best friend, maybe to suggest grabbing a few margs after her Hatha class in Madison Square Park next Tuesday, only to discover that she asks your name again. She doesn't remember what size you wear in the Strap It Like It's Hot bra. She suggests that you invest in an Urban Warrior duffel, even though you bought one from her a mere few days ago. Could it be that your entire friendship was nothing more than a farce? Was she lying when she said your ass looked great in those Wunder Unders?!?! "So you're friends with Kendal also? She sold you a $500 hoodie? Yeah, me too!"
It's sad, but unfortunately true. There is a secret language among these species of female, constructed for the sole purpose of gaining your undying trust and racking up commission, all in the name of wellness and camaraderie. Luckily for you, Crazytown, I've deconstructed a few key phrases in this code so you won't be fooled again.
"You go, girl!" - your Lululemon gal pal will often say this after you tell her you work for a temp agency or as a waiter at the Times Square Olive Garden. This phrase roughly translates as "I need you to buy this pair of $150 running tights so I can go to Cabo with my cousin in 3 weeks."
"I've got you, hon!" Said by general manager after she explains to you that the yoga leggings are now made with a more sheer fabric, and if you want to bend over to make sure your butt cheeks won't show during downward dog, she'll check it for you. Roughly translates as "you need try on a bigger size but I'm going to humiliate you even more before you come to that realization by making you show me your cottage cheese ass."
"Need anything, sweetie/dear/goddess/high supreme warrior?" A common phrase among the fitting room attendants, who choose to address you as anything but your legal name (despite the fact that it's written on the door). Roughly translates as "I saw that you only took 2 tops to try on. That simply will not do, plebeian."
'"See you next week, Jennifer!" And let's be honest...they probably will.
Toast is a slice of bread that has been browned by exposure to radiant heat. Thanks, Wikipedia. By Alisha Giampola (Writer/Performer)
You know how when you're famous, and you have a Wikipedia page and it lists all of your fabulous accomplishments and also sometimes your "influences"? Like if you're a famous songwriter, maybe your influences were Bob Dylan and Joni Mitchell. Or maybe you're a stand-up and you were influenced by Carol Burnett and Louis CK; or you were a famous horrible person and you were influenced by Osama Bin Laden and whoever is currently in charge of the Westboro Baptist Church. I'm not a famous person, but my secret goal in life is to be the kind of person whom people just sort of assume was "influenced" in equal parts by Amy Sedaris, Sarah Silverman, and Madeline Kahn. Ideally, I would be the kind of person whom people would only be able to describe by using an invocation of those women's names. (And also possibly Ilana Glazer, for further clarification.)
Wasn't that great? Seriously, though. I'm so sad this haven of wonderful, smart, niche-interest writing on the internet is going away and I hope everyone goes and supports their last month of funny, whimsical content. This is a loss for all writers and bloggers- we should all be devastated that something as wonderful as The Toast could not remain profitable for its editors to keep open while remaining committed to their goal of paying every freelance writer that contributed. It was a noble goal, and deserved reward, and I respect them for ending things while everyone was still into them, Breaking-Bad-style, instead of fizzling out long after everyone was over it but still felt kind of badly for not wanting to watch anymore, The-Office-style.
So head on over and pour one out for The Toast. And best wishes for Mallory et al...I can't wait to see what projects they get involved with next.
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