Crazytown

COOKING KOREAN FOOD WITHOUT A NET

Making Korean food by myself. No recipes. Just memories.
By Kathleen Choe (actor/singer/writer)

Chapter 1: Bulgalbi

When I was a junior in college, I moved into an apartment with an amazing kitchen that inspired me to cook. A craving for kimchi chigae came

Mmm. This stuff.

and my roommates enthusiastically agreed to have some (since there was no way I could eat the whole pot by myself). Having watched my parents make it, I felt confident I knew how to do it on my own.

Cut to me on the phone wailing to my Dad that despite me having simmered the chigae for an hour and the pork belly in it falling apart, my kimchi wasn’t getting soft.

“Did you fry the kimchi in sesame oil first?” my father asked patiently.  “You have to do that first. If you didn’t, put some in the chigae now. Then it’ll get soft. Put it in now and simmer for five...no, ten minutes. Also, your roommates don’t mind the smell?”

“They love it,” I replied frantically, grabbing the sesame oil and putting it in the stew. Ten minutes later as promised the kimchi softened, and the spicy stew goodness was spooned into bowls and fed to me and my hungry roommates.

Ah. Perfection.

Years later I’m now on my umpteenth apartment with no roommates, making dinner for my friend Terri for a girl’s night catch up. Nothing very fancy or what people usually order in a restaurant—no chapjae or bibimbap (which for the record, is a pain in the ass to make) to be seen here--just a stock of old home favorites.

OK, so I lied. I’m also making bulgalbi. But it’s a “family coming over” dinner, so that’s allowed. There has to be some kind of meat on the table, otherwise it’s just an everyday family dinner.

Bulgalbl.

The Korean market near where I live charges Manhattan prices for beef, so like a good New Yorker shopping for the best deal I head over a few blocks to the Chinese market after picking up what I need from the Korean one. The man behind the butcher counter looks at me expectantly.

“Two pounds of short ribs.”

He grabs two large racks of beef.

“Two pounds! Not two racks.”

He asks me a question in Cantonese. I blink at him blankly. His partner behind the counter comes over and takes one of the racks out of his hands, laughing.

“Square cut?” the second butcher says to me.

I shake my head, but I smile. He's guessed I'm Korean. “Sliced ¼”, please.”

I take it home and wash the beef, put it in a large metal bowl, then start following my parents' instructions in my head.

No recipe. Just memories.

Soy sauce…check. Black pepper…check. Sesame oil…check. Scallions…check.

Garlic…here the voices diverge.

Mom: Just add a little.

Dad: Ugh! NO! No garlic.

I love garlic, so I chop up four cloves and throw them in. I can hear my father’s grumbles over this addition and my mother’s cackles at having won.

Sugar.

Dad: Sprinkle it over the meat, like this. Like snow! An inch of snow.

I stare at the sugar. The health-conscious part of my brain rebels. Oh, hell no. That’s wayyyyy too much.

I add a quarter-inch, then start massaging it all together with my hands. I taste it. It doesn’t taste like theirs. OK, a little more soy sauce. A llllliiiiiiiitlllle more sugar.  I taste it again. Getting closer, but I can’t bring myself to add more.

I realize also that this is the first time I’m making this without an older family member hanging over my shoulder making adjustments.

I text my sister.

Me: I’m making kalbi and realizing just how much ganjang (soy sauce) and sugar Dad uses. Jesus. This is why so many Korean people have high blood pressure.

Sissy: An inch of snow!

I laugh, and add a little more sugar and soy sauce, and massage it in the beef. I consider adding a kiwi—my mother’s trick to making it nice and tender—but decide against it. Also, if I leave it in the marinade too long the beef will turn to mush, and it’ll be twelve hours before any of this goes into the oven.

I wrap the bowl with plastic wrap and place it in the fridge. The next day I take it out, heat up the oven and place the meat inside. 15 minutes in, and my apartment starts smelling delicious. I open the oven and flip the meat, and aroma of the beef mixed with the steaming rice coming from the rice cooker makes me smile.

Memories.

One of my family holiday dinners.
This is why I have no idea how to cook for two people.

Terri arrives and I pull out the bulgalbi, placing it on a plate and cutting it into pieces with scissors, leaving the bones in. We make room for it by rearranging dishes on the table.

Yup.
No idea how to cook for two.

Terri eyes the plate of bones-in bulgalbi. “How do we eat them?”, she asks.

“We’re all family here,” I say. I pick up a piece of bulgalbi with my fingers and bite.

My heart sinks. It doesn’t taste like theirs. There’s something missing. The flavors are the same, but overall it’s not as pungent. More soy sauce? More sugar?

An inch of snow.

I’m embarrassed.

Terri’s takes a bite too, and a huge grin comes over her face. “Soooo good!”

Mangia!

She reaches for another piece. Bit by bit we polish off this dinner, and my friends who drop by later for the dessert portion of the evening finish off the rest of the bulgalbi.

My Dad is happy when he makes a meal and all the plates at the end of the meal are empty. The plate of bulgalbi that I made is empty, inch of snow notwithstanding. So there’s that.

I notice the next day too that I’m not as bloated as I usually am after eating a big Korean dinner. So there’s that, too.

Maybe there’s something to be said for modifying family recipes and making them more health conscious. My family has a history of high blood pressure. I’m firmly determined to break that.

An inch of snow.

Wonder what my parents would say if I used Stevia instead…

 

Next week: The Kimchi Pancake Adventure.

KATHLEEN CHOE is a NYC based actor, singer, and writer. www.www.kathleen-choe.com
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KAT EATS BISCUITS!

Some of Britain's popular biscuits! (Or, cookies.)
By Kat Flynn (Actor)

OMG, is it Christmas yet?!

This week, I'm bringing you some of my favourite biscuits in a VLOG! 

Enjoy!! 

xoxo

Image source: YouTube

KAT FLYNN is an American Expat living & working in Great Britain. www.katflynn.com
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THE BEST WINES TO PAIR WITH CULTIVATING A GRATEFUL ATTITUDE: THANKSGIVING 2016

Alcohol and disenchantment make wonderful bedfellows.
By Jennifer Anderson (Actor/Singer/full on turkey and political malaise)

Listen, Crazytown, let's not beat around the George W. Bush (GOD I NEVER THOUGHT THIS WOULD BE RELEVANT): 2016 has been one of the shittiest years on record. It's the year we lost Prince, Bowie, and America as we know it. But as we keep trying to get through to our state senators to oppose...well Christ, EVERYTHING at this point...we should not forget that the best holiday of the year has set itself calmly and quietly on our doorstep. It crept up on us during this maelstrom of post-election turmoil, and admittedly, it may prove difficult for us to find many reasons to be thankful this year. We may be staring at 4 years of our basic human rights being revoked, but that doesn't mean we can't get drunk in our parent's basement and figure out the few things we have left for which to be grateful.

1. A glass of River Road Pinot Noir, California

"I have a roof over my head and am healthy! For now...and if I get sick next year I might not have health insurance....oh God pour me another glass"

2. A half carafe of Reserve St Martin Chardonnay, France

"I managed to go the whole year without getting pregnant! But next year I won't have BC anymore, and we all know what happens when I drink a lot of Tequila...shit"

3. A bottle of Cruz Alta Malbec, Argentina

"I got a raise at work which allows me more financial freedom! And I get to donate more money to Planned Parenthood and The Human rights campaign! Score! But when my boss and I started talking politics, he told me I shouldn't read so much and stick to US magazine instead....uh oh I think I need to puke"

4. A case of Molly Dooker Shiraz, Australia

"Well at least the Gilmore Girls revival starts tomorrow."

 

JENNIFER ANDERSON is an actor and singer living in Brooklyn. She wishes you and your family a Happy Thanksgiving. www.jenniferjanderson.com
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JUST WHEN YOU THINK THE WEST VILLAGE HAS LOST ITS SOUL...

...salvation comes in the form of Indian tacos.
By Jennifer Anderson (Actor/Singer/Foodie, obviously)

When famed West Village jazz club Garage closed last December, I felt as if the final nail in the coffin had been unceremoniously hammered into the once vibrant and eclectic neighborhood. Sure, a walk down Bleeker would still yield finds like John’s Pizza and Rocco’s Pasticceria, but they had started to live in the shadows of the ever present Starbucks',  DavidsTeas, and Caliente Cabs.

Kneel before thy margarita.

Losing the Garage meant losing a piece of West Village history. And when I’d heard rumors that it would become a TD Bank…I might have shed a few tears. (I also might have been drunk, but that’s beside the point.) Thankfully the Garage still stands and, although it’s shuddered, it’s not transformed into a dark and greedy corporate storefront (yet).

Around the same time that the Garage was closing it’s doors for the last time, I noticed another local stronghold had gone too. A small magazine shop housed in tiny alcove on the corner of Bleeker and 7th Avenue south appeared with the all too familiar brown window dressings and chain-locked doors. And while I had never really frequented the store, (I think I bought some gum there a few years ago), I was still sad to see it close. I assumed that, yet again, sky-high rent rises had forced another mom and pop out of a business they had been running for God only knows how long. The whole thing added to my already mounting depression about not only the West Village, but the expense of living in New York City in general.

I was wrong.

GREAT THINGS ABOUT FALL THAT AREN'T PUMPKINS, SPICES, OR LATTES

Appreciating Autumn while still fitting into your skinny jeans.
By Jennifer Anderson (Actor/Singer/I'll just take black coffee, thanks.)

Did you feel it? That magical shift in the air? That collective unsealing of Space Bags to pull out all the fleece and wool we forgot about when it was over 100 degrees? The click clacking of black Aldo pumps as every work force aged female shoves her way into whatever Starbucks is closest to her office? It is a special time: that time that every girl exits hibernation and uses her acutely attuned olfactory system to sniff out the lifeblood she's been missing over the cruel summer months. She's finally able to collect her sweet gourdish nectar and pollinate the coffee shop with crumpled up Lululemon receipts and old tampon wrappers from her purse. It's...PUMPKIN SPICE LATTE TIME.

Served Tall, Grande, Venti, or IV drip.

I jest, but I fall victim to it too. How can I help it? It's like a pumpkin pie and a line of pure Colombian cocaine fucked in the back of a Maserati and birthed a magical liquid concoction topped with whipped cream and hope. And on a day like Monday, with a breeze crisp enough to put on a...wait for it...HOODIE (swoon!), there's just nothing better to complement your morning than a Venti PSL, poured directly from a paper cup into a clean syringe and shot straight into your cubital vein.  

However, this year is different. I'm on a diet. IT SUCKS.  But, as sad as it is, size 6 jeans are sweeter than a drink that constitutes a third of my daily caloric allowance. So I'm forced to live on the outskirts of the best part of fall, like an orphaned child looking through the snow capped window of happy family on Christmas morning.

No, it's okay, enjoy your drink. Snow doesn't have any carbs.

Never one to feel that sorry for myself, I've compiled a list of other great things about autumn that have nothing to do with its signature drink. Join me in celebrating the following awesome things about this time of year:

1. FOOTBALL: Guys, football games are so much fun. You don't need to know anything about the actual game, just sit back and drink a cold 72 ounce beer and snack on the hot dogs and nachos they'll have at the stadium...oh, wait...Pass on that, for the sake of the waistline.

Ugh, I couldn't even think about food with the Chargers on the 45 yard line right now. But thanks.

Well, the parties are fun too! Just get a group of friends together and watch the Giants destroy the Patriots while snacking on buffalo wings and piz...yeah. Never mind.

Sorry, too full on crudite and ice.

2. LEAVES CHANGING: Heading up north and taking in all the beautiful colors New England has to to offer is by far one of my favorite parts of the fall. It's so peaceful to just sit and look at the trees while you sip a warm apple cider topped with caramel and...actually maybe a diet coke would also work well in this instance.

Nothing screams "autumn" like carbonation and aspartame and tears.

3. HALLOWEEN: I'm an actor so naturally I like playing dress up, but undoubtedly the best part of Halloween is the resurgence of my favorite sugary treat, Candy CorGODDAMNIT.

STOP STARING AT ME YOU FUCKING PUMPKIN I HAVEN'T EATEN SINCE AUGUST 24TH.

4. THANKSGIVING:

Oh fuck me. Pass the stuffing, I'll be skinny in 2017.

JENNIFER ANDERSON is an actor and singer living in Brooklyn. By the time you read this, she will have consumed 2500 calories worth of Pumpkin Spice Lattes and Candy Corn. www.jenniferjanderson.com
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WOODY

I take photographs from the internet and then write short stories about them!
By Paul Pakler (Actor, Writer)

(Photograph from ????)

        Friday is payday.  The White Horse cashes your check - no waiting!: six bits on the dollar, and you get a free beer.

        Some workers drink their wages away.  Other workers have some sense and go home with some cents.

 

        Saturday, the workers who can't work don't.  Too old, too sick, too dumb, or too smart - they go to The White Horse.  You get a free corned beef sandwich.

 

        And that's how it goes.

 

        One time, there was this guy comes in.  Dressed like a longshoreman but with a guitar.  He orders a beer and a sandwich.  Ernie, the bartender, snorts and says it's on-the-house if the guy plays us a good song.

 

        The guy grins and thinks for a second.  He plays "Keep My Skillet Good and Greasy," and we laugh and laugh.

 

        The guy tells us about this time when he was riding the rails, and he had a dog named Petey.  And one time, this railroad bull started hassling him and Petey, and Petey bit the bull's ass!  I never seen Stan laugh that hard in my life.

 

        The guy asks us if there's any songs we want to hear.  Everybody shouts out a song, and, one after another, the guy plays them all.  Stan named about a dozen songs, and the guy played them all.

        Ernie says, "You drink for free, friend," and the guy says, "Well, all these fellers are singin' with me, so can my band drink for free?"  And that's how we all got free drinks on that Saturday.

 

        As it was getting dark, the guy says he has to keep movin' along.  Everyone stood up to shake his hand.  And, with a big grin, he shook everybody's hand.  Stan and George and Frank and Lou and Ernie and me.

        I hope he'll come back.

 

PAUL PAKLER is an actor and writer living in New York City.
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WHEN KOREAN FOOD GOES MAINSTREAM: TO SCOFF OR TO CELEBRATE?

My reaction to Blue Apron's take on Korean food.
By Kathleen Choe (actor/singer/writer)

It’s the second week in my new apartment, and my friend Heather has gifted me a weeks’ worth of Blue Apron as a housewarming present. One of the recipes is Spicy Chicken with Korean Rice Cakes.

I chop, I boil, I fry, I sniff. I put it all together, place it in a bowl, and serve myself. Two bites in something nudges at my senses. I hear my Dad’s voice in my head say:

Ah! Dukboki.

I look down at my plate and laugh. It’s true. This:

From the minds at Blue Apron:
Spicy Chicken with Korean Rice Cakes.

…is essentially a more expensive, slightly healthier version of this:

Dukboki, a cheap Korean street food/tasty drunk munchie

I put down my fork and look at the dish with mixed feelings. It’s good—very good—but the urge to roll my eyes at this appropriation of Korean food is still there. In one episode of his show Huang’s World, Eddie Huang states what he can’t stand is the attitude of “we took this ethnic food and made it better” from a lot of white chefs when they use a “new” ingredient, “new” meaning new to them.

My sister, who runs the art and cooking program Create and Plate, hits up on this “we discovered/invented it” attitude as well with some potential clients of hers. OMG! Have you ever had gochujang/kimchi/roasted seaweed? No, of course she hasn’t. She’s just a second generation Korean American and has never eaten those foods in her life (insert sarcasm here).

I get irritated, too. One of my earliest memories is going off to kindergarten and being excited that my mother had made me kimbap for lunch, one of my favorite foods. I still remember the look of disgust from the kids sitting at my table, the “ewwws” and “that’s so weird!” remarks. From then on it was sandwiches on white bread.

Years later and that memory still stings.

Now Annie Chun sells roasted seaweed in the local supermarket (with brown sugar on top? I have yet to try it), gochujang has become the new sriracha (which the for record, is an American invention), and they sell “Korean BBQ Marinade” in grocery stores, at which I roll my eyes (seriously, it’s easy as hell to make). Oh, NOW? NOW it’s cool?! What happened to, “Your food is so weird/it smells so funny/ewwwww.” I’ve been eating this for years, putting up with your snide remarks, and now you’re acting like you’ve invented it.

Yes, I get annoyed. I’m only human.

My mother has a different attitude about Korean food becoming mainstream: she thinks it’s a wonderful thing. When she and my Dad moved to New York from Korea, the only Korean market was on East 42^nd Street in Manhattan. When they ran out of kimchi and couldn’t get in from Brooklyn, they improvised with hot sauce and sauerkraut. Now you can find jars of kimchi at the corner bodega and Hmart is taking over the world. Korean food is everywhere! Everyone loves it! Amazing!

 
Snapped this on Tottenham Court Road in London.

Perspective, I guess. Somewhere else in the country, somebody who is not of Korean descent is making Spicy Chicken with Korean Rice Cakes, trying something new, and might be inspired to try the original dish that inspired it. Some other little girl in kindergarten of Korean descent is probably being coaxed by a classmate to trade her kimbap for a peanut butter and jelly sandwich on Wonder Bread.

There's that.

So, Blue Apron. Are you saying that you took this food and made it “better”? Because dukboki was pretty good to begin with. Or is duk just an ingredient you liked, and wanted to experiment with, add your spin on it?

I take another bite. The veggies are a nice touch, to be sure. Could have done without the hoisin sauce, I think. It makes it too sweet.

I text a photo of it to my friend Kina, who is actually from Korea. I made this Blue Apron recipe for dinner and just realized what it really is: a more expensive Americanized version of dukboki (and slightly healthier).

She texts back: That’s funny! Any version of dukboki is irresistible. Haha!

I finish the bowl. Authentic? No. Irresistible? Well…yeah. Better?

No.

Different.

KATHLEEN CHOE is a NYC based actor, singer, and writer. www.www.kathleen-choe.com
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BOHEMIAN DREAMS: JEREMY NGUYEN

Meet NYC's most promising starving artists before they're rich and famous. This week meet cartoonist and illustrator, Jeremy Nguyen and find out what he has to say about talking to adults, Sunday comics, and real estate.

by David Davila (musical theatre writer)

I wish I could say I discovered the cartoonist Jeremy Nguyen at a cool party in Bushwick with a bunch of smelly hipsters but he actually caught my attention on Instagram where he posts clever and hilarious cartoons about hipster life in the Bohemian capitol of the world: Bushwick. "Stranger Than Bushwick", which he illustrates serializes in Bushwick Daily, and it's pretty friggin genius. 

 

 

 

Now that his comics are catching on you can see his work on Thrillist, College Humor, Time Out New York, Brooklyn Magazine, and Bedford + Bowery. Now he's bringing his love for comics to life with live readings of brand new comic books by Brooklyn writers! I caught up with the anti-hipster this week to find out more! Here's what the illustrator had to say:  

 

(David Davila) So tell me about your Bushwick comic strip, how did this come about?

(Jeremy Nguyen) I had lived in Bushwick for about a year before some ideas came to me to make a comic. I was always seeing crazy things happen and had conversations with my friends about what was going on, like you do when you first move to a new neighborhood. I made friends with Katarina at Bushwick Daily and started contributing illustrations to different articles and columns, and she eventually asked for me to write articles. I declined her offer, cause I'm not a writer or journalist. 

 

(DD) Where do you find the inspiration for the things you draw?

(JN) It's pretty easy to find inspiration for comics because you can just take a walk and find something to write about at your doorstep. Sure, Bushwick has a lot of strange things going on, but a lot of the fun is finding the mundane normal things that all my friends and neighbors do and using that as fuel for a comic. 

5 THINGS YOU LEARN AS A MAN TRYING TO LOSE WEIGHT

You have to man up to slim down.
By Tom Rizzuto

Masculinity is weird sometimes. As men in America, we're supposed to strive for the loftiest goals, fight against the odds and conquer as much theoretical territory as we can. At the same time though, we're also expected to not admit when we're struggling, or even just working hard to achieve what we want to achieve. This is especially true when it comes to one of the greatest struggles that an individual can embark upon: losing weight.

Basically how I feel.

Sure, you can tell your boys that you're working out, putting up numbers in the gym, blasting your core, hitting the weights and whatever other semi-violent imagery people use. You'll be commended for it, but something different happens when you start talking about the Elliptical or any kind of cardio. People start to get a confused look on their faces. Then, when you inevitably bring up the D-word: Diet ...the ridicule begins.

It's seen as vain, and lady-like. Men don't diet. We hunt, kill and devour. We consume. We ravage. We are men. We don't count calories.

And then we die of heart disease.

As a man on a diet, doing my best to get in better shape at 30 years old, I've learned some things that I'd like to share with you:

1. The majority of people who want to give you advice on how to diet are the people who never had to do it, or the people who have tried and failed.

In my experience, roughly 90% of diet advice can be broken down into two categories: Advice from people who have always been thin and Advice from people who are fatter than me.
Thin people, the kind of guys with the Marvel Comics, super-human, radioactive metabolisms that let them eat Five Guys Burgers six days a week, go for a 45 minute walk and then lose three pounds, will never understand. However, that doesn't stop them from dishing out such pearls of wisdom as: "diet soda will kill you," "they say walking is the best exercise," and my favorite, "just stop eating when you don't feel hungry anymore." We are all children of God, and are here to love one another and learn from our differences...but for real...fuck these people.

Then there are the other people. The people who have been on diets their whole lives and can't seem to stick to one. I have more sympathy for these guys. Hell, at times in my life, I've been one of them. But, the difference is that when I was bigger I never tried to tell people how to lose weight. In fact, unless asked directly, I still don't. I think it's just more respectful that way. So, I'm not going to make fun of the overweight individuals who have been throwing advice my way, even though it's clear that whatever they're saying hasn't worked for them. It's just not the right thing to do. But, seriously, if another forever-thin dude gives me weight loss tips from behind a foot-long meatball sub, I can't be held responsible for my actions.

2. Your friends will make fun of you even harder for trying to better yourself then they ever did for being fat.

I have a feeling that a lot of people who ridicule their overweight friends are secretly terrified that one day they'll get thin. After all, to paraphrase an old adage, "I can lose weight, you'll always be an asshole." The fact of the matter is, a lot of what your mom told you about bullies is true. People who make fun of you are doing it to cover up a much bigger insecurity. Something that's deeper than cosmetic. Something that's going to take much longer to work through than it's going to take you to lose fifteen pounds. Again though, sympathy is a virtue, but mean people suck. So screw them, too. Lose 20 pounds and make out with one of their ex-girlfriends.

LIVING THE KETOSIS LIFE

No carbohydrates, no peace. 
By Tom Rizzuto 

"Oh you can have a few French fries," my mother said, just moments after our frazzled, overworked waitress hobbled away to place our brunch orders. It was Mother's Day, and while Long Island's other sons and daughters were concerned about normal things like picking out the right card or how to explain that providing grandchildren wasn't a part of their five-year plan, I was hard at work quibbling with the waitstaff over how much sugar is appropriate to use in the preparation of vegetables.

Look it up. There's literally enough sugar in these to make a cake.

My brother, who's always been thin and despite his Italian heritage never really liked food chimed in, "If you're trying to get healthier, you shouldn't drink diet soda. It's all chemicals."

In past years, I might have become upset, but I'm older now and I realize that there's no way they could possibly understand. People mean well. They want you to enjoy your life, but unless they've lived this lifestyle, they can't truly comprehend the fear. The fear of losing control. The fear that if I eat just one French fry...just one deliciously buttered croissant...that within two weeks I'll wake up in a ditch, bloodied, confused and surrounded by pizza.

You see, America, for the past few weeks I've been living a way of life I've decided to call: The Ketosis Life.

The sound you heard was half the internet exploding.

Health food.

For those of you who don't know, Ketosis is fancy and scientific way of saying that my body is losing weight because I'm drastically cutting carbohydrates out of my diet.

Boom! And there goes the other half.

Why all the explosions? Because, everybody has something to say about it and I've heard it all: "You're just going to put the weight back on when you start eating bread again." Shut up. "All those fatty meats aren't good for your heart." Neither is being fat. "You don't need to do that, you're not even really fat." Thank you, but remember this when we see each other in a few weeks and you tell me how good I look now that I've lost all the weight you insist I don't have to lose.