Crazytown

PRETTY GOOD YEAR?

Even if 2016 wasn't the most awesome year on record, are we actually looking forward to 2017?
By Owen Panettieri (playwright, lyricist)

I've heard a lot of people complaining recently about 2016 and how overall it was an awful year that they can't wait to see in the rear view mirror. I don't share that opinion. I'm not looking for the year to be over. Personally, 2016 was pretty good to me. I did what I resolved to do back in January. I lost roughly 30 lbs, I traveled to places in Europe I'd always dreamed of visiting and I had a production of my latest play A Burial Place play in NYC that was as artistically enriching as anything I've ever done. I was seated in front of Anna Wintour at not one but TWO fancy events. I got to go on Mr. Toad's Wild Ride again - several times. I was surrounded by the love of family and friends. I ate good food. I slept comfortably in a nice home, I took lots of cute pictures of my dog sleeping ridiculously on our couch. I consider myself very fortunate, In a lot of ways, 2016 and I are cool with each other.

But I'll share with you one personal story that kinda sums up 2016's big problem. As I mentioned earlier, Josh and I went on a trip to Europe in July. It was a fantastic experience through Paris, Vienna, Salzburg, Munich and London. However, every single day we'd wake up to some sort of horrible international incident having happened either back home or nearby. There was the terrorist attack in Nice, the failed coup in Turkey, train attacks in Germany, mass shootings, police shootings, the creepy awfulness of the whole Republican convention. Very heavy shit happened every day and we felt it. It finally caught up with us head on in Munich, when there was a mass shooting not far from the Olympia shopping mall. Ten people, including the shooter, were killed and dozens were injured. The city went into lockdown during dinnertime. There was no public transportation. We were held inside our restaurant and under the impression there were as many as three active shooters still unaccounted for in the area. It was under those conditions we had to walk around the locked down area for an hour to get back to our hotel. The truth of the situation was that the lone shooter was dead and the threat was over, but we had to walk home believing that maybe we could be shot to death at anytime. It was scary. And it was very sad.

AND ON EARTH PEACE, GOOD WILL TOWARD MEN (AND WOMEN): PART 1

The first in a series of how not to be an asshole for the rest of 2016.
By Jennifer Anderson (Actor/Singer/Setting fire to the last remaining garbage pile month of this year)

Happy December, Crazytown. I think you'll agree with me when I say that I'm happy to see 2016, a year full of trials and tribulations, finally draw to a close.

But 2016 isn't done yet. We still have a full 31 days left, and leave it up to this crazy year to let even more shit hit the fan before it finally dies with a colossal void of its bowels. Despite what the rest of 2016 has in store for us, there is one thing we still have control over: ourselves. So let's all agree to allow the generous and joyful spirit of the holidays to influence our actions for this next month, if not the entirety of 2017.

Today's topic: Only you can prevent Gate Lice

THE BEST WINES TO PAIR WITH CULTIVATING A GRATEFUL ATTITUDE: THANKSGIVING 2016

Alcohol and disenchantment make wonderful bedfellows.
By Jennifer Anderson (Actor/Singer/full on turkey and political malaise)

Listen, Crazytown, let's not beat around the George W. Bush (GOD I NEVER THOUGHT THIS WOULD BE RELEVANT): 2016 has been one of the shittiest years on record. It's the year we lost Prince, Bowie, and America as we know it. But as we keep trying to get through to our state senators to oppose...well Christ, EVERYTHING at this point...we should not forget that the best holiday of the year has set itself calmly and quietly on our doorstep. It crept up on us during this maelstrom of post-election turmoil, and admittedly, it may prove difficult for us to find many reasons to be thankful this year. We may be staring at 4 years of our basic human rights being revoked, but that doesn't mean we can't get drunk in our parent's basement and figure out the few things we have left for which to be grateful.

1. A glass of River Road Pinot Noir, California

"I have a roof over my head and am healthy! For now...and if I get sick next year I might not have health insurance....oh God pour me another glass"

2. A half carafe of Reserve St Martin Chardonnay, France

"I managed to go the whole year without getting pregnant! But next year I won't have BC anymore, and we all know what happens when I drink a lot of Tequila...shit"

3. A bottle of Cruz Alta Malbec, Argentina

"I got a raise at work which allows me more financial freedom! And I get to donate more money to Planned Parenthood and The Human rights campaign! Score! But when my boss and I started talking politics, he told me I shouldn't read so much and stick to US magazine instead....uh oh I think I need to puke"

4. A case of Molly Dooker Shiraz, Australia

"Well at least the Gilmore Girls revival starts tomorrow."

 

JENNIFER ANDERSON is an actor and singer living in Brooklyn. She wishes you and your family a Happy Thanksgiving. www.jenniferjanderson.com
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A VERY NASTY HALLOWEEN

By Alisha Giampola (writer/performer)

So it's almost Halloween, and you're interested in going as this year's most topical costume, a Nasty Woman. You might even have a Bad Hombre or two to take pictures with! This is pretty much the only political Halloween costume I'm interested in everyone I know dressing up as this year, so let me help you narrow down all the possible bad ass Nasty Women of American History that you could choose to go as. (If you missed the 3rd presidential debate and somehow have no idea what I'm talking about, please avail yourself.)

ANGELICA SCHUYLER  

As my favorite 6 year old recently said to me: "Shisha, don't you wish you could vote for Alexander Hamilton for president?" So while you're working on that time machine to bring back our most woke founding father to provide a viable third candidate (is it too late to change my party affiliation to 'Federalist'?), you might as well pay tribute to one of Hamilton's fantastic female characters. This doubles as a possible group costume if you have a couple other nasty lady friends you're hitting the town with on Halloween. What you need to pull this costume off: An absolutely fantastic pink silk authentic colonial era ballgown. If you can't track one down, may we recommend just snapping your finger in the air all night and saying "WERK"?  

JUSTICE RUTH BADER GINSBURG 

I mean, obviously. The Notorious RBG is a delightfully easy and comfortable costume. Trump had some choice words to say about RBG as well during the last debate...likely because she's such a Nasty Woman. While he's busy keeping the foundation of America's democracy "in suspense", you can pass the time rounding up a black robe, white lace cravat, and crown. Bonus points for bun, gavel, glasses and pocket Constitution. 

HARRIET TUBMAN

Being one of history's most interesting spies is a great Nasty Woman costume idea. You'll need a headwrap, shawl, posse of Union soldiers and some $20 dollar bills. Speaking of, this makes a fantastic couples costume if you can round up a grumpy Andrew Jackson with his own handful of twenties to be your bad hombre for the evening. 

HILLARY CLINTON

Of course, you can always go as the original inspiration for this entire concept. All you need is a pantsuit, really. Bonus points for the blonde mom-hair. Even more meta might be to go as Kate McKinnon's genius impression of her... we'll leave it up to you to figure out how to convey that. 

SUFFRAGETTE

A lot of Trump supporters on the internet have been calling for a repeal of the 19th Amendment, so what's more relevant than going as an original fighter for women's right to vote? Really all you need is a skirt, a throaty Glynis Johns vibrato (preferably), and a picket sign that says "Votes For Women". There's also always the option to get really controversial and be Ironic Sexy 19th Amendment, just print it out and pin it strategically to your underwear. 

ABIGAIL ADAMS

This first lady famously wrote to her husband and all of Congress the words: "Remember all Men would be tyrants if they could. If particular care and attention is not paid to the Ladies we are determined to foment a Rebellion, and will not hold ourselves bound by any Laws in which we have no voice, or Representation." WERK, Abigail. What do you need to costume yourself as this original founding woman of female rights and anti-slavery? I guess if you can't actually BE Laura Linney, the next best thing is to get that sweet hat. 

 ELEANOR ROOSEVELT and LORENA HICKOK

She wasn't publicly out during her lifetime, but if you're looking for a good same-sex couples costume that exemplifies the Nasty Woman point of view, you can't do better than one of America's most beloved first ladies and her long-time lover. To pull it off, the two of you will need some finger waves, pearls, cigarettes, and absolutely no PDA. 

THE 2016 U.S. OLYMPIC GYMNASTICS TEAM

Simone Biles firmly stated this summer after becoming, arguably, the best Olympic gymnast of all time, "I’m not the next Usain Bolt or Michael Phelps, I’m the first Simone Biles," and immediately became the world's tiniest feminist hero. If you and your squad want to roll up as these strong ladies, you'll need some red white and blue leotards, a whole lot of confidence, and hair/eye glitter. SO MUCH GLITTER. 

JANET JACKSON

It's the obvious choice, and begs the question "how will you get the song 'Nasty' to play in the background everywhere you go", but it's still a great costume: military inspired jacket, huge side-fall of curls... and if everyone mistakenly thinks you're Beyoncé, it still works. 

ALISHA GIAMPOLA is an NYC based actor/teacher/writer who is proud to be a very nasty woman.
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ONE.

....singular sensation. 
By Alisha Giampola (writer/performer/only child)

I've been an only child my whole life. Outside of a very brief period of time around the age of eight, I have never wanted siblings. The brief desire for them was, honestly, probably more an interest in expanding the theatre company I fancied myself artistic director of than anything else. I enjoyed things happening my way, as a child. And they usually did. I liked casting the children who came over to play in elaborate productions about my obsession du jour. Which was frequently something like Ancient Rome, or the Druids, or Dickensian London. Or Egypt. I argued with the neighborhood boys about the white bath towel costumes I had arranged for them in the biographical production I was hoping to stage in the back yard of Nefertiti starring me as Nefertiti. "Why can't we wear shirts with these towels?" They asked, tucking their hands around their scrawny bare chests. "Because they wouldn't have worn shirts during the Middle Kingdom!" I wailed, imperiously, if correctly. 

The experience of the only child is rarely celebrated in literature. We are depicted as orphans, genius misfits, cranky heiresses, social outcasts. During parts of my childhood, I fancied myself all of these things at least once. But what about all the good stuff about being an only child? As a kid, I enjoyed going to my piano lesson and having lunch with my dad afterwards; spending a long afternoon in the bookstore with my mom and maybe getting to pick a book out to buy, how exciting; watching Monty Python and Are You Being Served on PBS with my grandmother; listening to Michael Crawford or The Beatles or Handel during road trips, depending on whether I, my dad, or my mom had control of the music, respectively; spending entire days completely left to my own devices, which frequently included making myself an array of snacks in tiny bowls- olives, capers, cornichons, cubes of cheese. Some of my fondest memories of my childhood are of long weekdays spent reading two or even three entire books by myself on our couch while devouring a jar of capers. Did I mention that I was homeschooled? Oh yes, I was homeschooled. 

So I guess what I'm saying is, why does everyone think being an only child is isolating and weird? How are none of the things I mentioned celebrated milestones of childhood development? Sure only children are self-absorbed tiny dictators. But we're also smart and charming and contain infinite depths of lack of personal accountability. And there is, as Hamlet, poster child for only children everywhere once said, the rub. I so rarely recognize my growing up experience in literature or media except when portrayed negatively, so it was a real treat- A TREAT I TELL YOU -to listen this week to my new favorite podcast "Dead Pilots Society" and hear John Hodgman's amazing script: Only Child.

Let's take it back for a second.... yes I have a new favorite podcast. It's great. And yes, in this particular episode, John Hodgman (of Daily Show fame) shares a pilot he once wrote for FX. Let me give you the podcast elevator pitch: some Hollywood writers got the idea to put together a lot of really amazing pilot episodes that never made it past the development phase of the writing process. These babies have never had a table read, and are "dead" because although they once were purchased, they were passed up for production and that is where, sadly, the lifecycle of many scripts comes to a dull and unfilmed end. But despair not! This podcast allows you to listen to cold readings of many a fantastic dead pilot written by frequently A-list writers and performed by fantastic actors (Molly Shannon! Paul F. Tompkins! Josh Malina! Anna Camp!) while you're struggling to find a place to stand on your train in the morning! It's so great and you should download it right now and listen to Episode 2 - Only Child by John Hodgman immediately. DO IT! AN ONLY CHILD IS DEMANDING THAT YOU DO SO!  

Haha just kidding. But seriously it's making me nervous that some of you haven't done what I've asked yet. John Hodgman, a real life only-child, writes the pilot semi-autobiographically (which is, of course, every only's dream. As I child I kept a diary that I intended for publication). One of his opening lines, about how only children are in the "super-smart narcissists who avoid confrontation club" really spoke to me. He writes eloquently and amusingly about his friends sharing rooms and bunkbeds while reporting with superiority that he has his "own room, own life: I'm basically a grown man." 

As someone who didn't have to share a bathroom until getting out of college, I deeply sympathize with Hodgman's brutally tender depiction of only children. We might have actually been somewhat "lonely weirdos" as he distastefully quips in the opening lines of the script, but childhood is full of loneliness and weirdness. Since listening to his fantastic script, I've found an article Hodgman wrote for The New Yorker which also touches on this topic, and it's lovely. It's about time only kids got a literary voice to celebrate our own special brand of weirdness, and I for one am grateful that it's this guy. 

It's funny because I was listening to the end of this podcast on my way to work, and only a few hours later I found myself rolling my eyes at a little girl who was frustrated that she was one of very few kids capable of sitting still for music circle. She kept trying to round up her fellow toddler classmates and force them back to the carpet where the rest of us were peacefully trying to play maracas and sing, ironically, The More We Get Together. I had a little internal laugh with myself where I essentially thought, "what an only child, amirite?" And that's the thing about us onlies. We have zero brand loyalty. We don't stick up for each other. I can't tell you how many times during this election cycle I have googled "Is Donald Trump an only child", been completely surprised to find that he is not, and then promptly forgotten so that I have to check again. I will say that constantly trying to be in the shot even when it wasn't his turn to speak during the last debate reminded me a whole lot of my childhood need to constantly run directly in front of my dad's camera to make sure he was videoing me- even though most of the time there was quite seriously no one else he could be filming.

If you too are an only child and also feel disenfranchised by the lack of positive media reprsentation of our growing minority group, let me gently remind you how much that is such a first world problem you whiny narcissist, as you read this blog post on your internet-connected device. Ugh, only children- amirite?

Bye.

ALISHA GIAMPOLA is an NYC based actor/teacher/writer who dislikes confrontation.
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WHY LIN-MANUEL MIRANDA AND SNL MAKE ME DEPRESSED...

...and then motivated.
By Jennifer Anderson (Actor/Singer/Off to Rite Aid to pick up her Prozac)

The nation waited with much anticipation for last week’s SNL: On top of the fact that our hero Lin-Manuel Miranda was hosting for the first time, we’d all been blindsided with Pussygate and, through clinched fists and angry tears, we needed a little comic relief.

And SNL didn’t disappoint.

INSIDE GAY CINEMA: MATT KUGELMAN TALKS "HURRICANE BIANCA"

On this edition of INSIDE GAY CINEMA, Matt Kugelman talks To Wong Fu, Texas Heat, and his crush on Fred Savage...

by David Davila (musical theatre writer)

A fierce storm is making it's way around the globe, and its name is HURRICANE BIANCA, the new film written and directed by Matt Kugelman and staring the now infamous actor/comedian Roy Haylock also known as Bianca del Rio. Of course Bianca del Rio jumped to fame two years ago when she became the biggest winner in RuPaul's Drag Race HERstory. Since then she's been one busy cookie touring the globe with her unique brand of comedy and filming movies and television specials.

Before you continue reading, let me make one thing very clear: this movie is EVERYTHING! Writer/director Matt Kugelman has created a gay masterpiece, a camp classic, the kind of movie we'll be quoting for years. It has a hell of a diva as it's underdog star, a brilliantly funny villain, a bevy of cameos by our favorite drag stars, non-stop one-liner action, and sexy cowboys. I will repeat myself: THIS MOVIE IS EVERYTHING!

                                   (Check out the film's trailer)

Matt Kugelman is a writer/director from outside of Chicago who got his start editing documentaries for Michael Moore before getting hired at CBS to edit and produce shows daily for CBS Evening News and CBS This Morning. I had the pleasure of meeting Matt through a group of writers and performers in New York who produce their own work and when he invited me to a screening of HURRICANE BIANCA last February, I was floored. 

I caught up with Matt amid his busy film premiere schedule and chatted him up about the process from page to screen. Here's what the talented writer/director had to say:

(David Davila) First off, the film is magnificent! It's a new camp classic! Did you go into the writing process knowing you wanted to create a camp classic?

(Matt Kugelman) Thank you!  Not really.  When I started the writing process I really just thought this would be something fun to do that my friends and family would enjoy.  Watching it snowball and gain more and more exposure has been really mind-blowing!  

(DD) How did you get involved with Bianca del Rio and the other queens from Drag Race?

(MK) I met Bianca a little over ten years ago.  We were both fairly new to New York and I'd seen him perform once in a bar and thought he was hysterical. So I emailed him on Myspace and asked him to be in this little roast video I was making for my friends birthday.  He'd never met the guy, but pulled out all these jokes outta thin air and you could hear me cracking up off-camera. 

SAW YOU THROUGH MY BINOCULARS AGAIN. NICE FURNITURE.

m4w (in the darkness)
By Jennifer Anderson (actor/singer/on Craig's list)

Five years ago, one of my friends from college approached me and a few other alumni with an idea: a show made-up entirely of postings from Missed Connections, the notorious shot-in-the-dark millennial matchmaking tool of Craigslist. I'd never really been on the website before, so at first the idea was a little odd to me. A show where we just read posts about people who had fleeting glances with strangers on the train at rush hour? It seemed a little mundane. Then I did my research. That's when I found gems like these:

DRAGON TAMER MISSES HIS DRAGON - m4w - 48 (oakland west)
i did not even know i was a dragon tamer until this special dragon came into my life. A special bond is created between a dragon and her dragon tamer that can never be forgotten or removed. I miss my dragon. I think of her all the time. If i stay busy, i wish i was sharing whatever it is i am doing with her as i did for several years. And when I am alone, it gets unbearable at times, not being with my dragon but being surrounded by her memories. The last time I saw my dragon was probably the worst moment of my adult life. The mistakes both of us made...

And that's when I realized that this was a brilliant idea.

"PUTTING ON A SHOW..."

...is a lot of work!" - Karlan Judd's The Real Actors of NYC
By Jennifer Anderson (actor/singer/friend of new musicals)

Crazytown, some of you may remember my best week ever in March. During that artistically fulfilling week, I was part of a reading of a brand spanking new musical by Karlan Judd called The Real Actors of NYC.

Loosely based on the real life experiences of my friend Jake, Nick, and myself, The Real Actors of NYC is a satirical look at what actors have to face in the New York musical theater world. It's madcap, campy fun and I'm elated to announce that we have the opportunity to bring the show Off-Broadway!

THERE'S NO "I" IN "H-O-U-S-E-T-E-A-M"

I take photographs from the internet and then write short stories about them!
By Paul Pakler (Actor, Writer)

(Photograph from The Boston Globe)

Dramatis Personae:

(from left to right)

Doris

Bill

Improv Coach (offstage)

Scene:

A Rehearsal Studio ($28/hour).

 

BILL

        I like carrots.

 

DORIS

        Yes, I like carrots, and I like to cook them with brown sugar.

 

BILL

        Yes, I like to cook carrots, and I like BOOBS!

 

IMPROV COACH

        Bill, that's not "and-ing."  Don't invent.

 

BILL

        If ONLY I invented boobs!

 

DORIS

(under her breath)

        Jesus Christ...

 

IMPROV COACH

        Okay, let's try again.  Your suggestion is "candle."

 

Doris begins miming making a pizza.

 

DORIS

        I have to find a way to defer my student loans.

 

BILL

        Have you thought about prostitution-

 

IMPROV COACH

        Bill, you're asking questions.

 

BILL

        Damn, I always forget.

 

DORIS

        Look, can we stop for a second?

 

IMPROV COACH

        No, this is great.  You guys are doing great.  Keep going.

 

BILL

        Uh...you're my girlfriend... and you should become a prostitute.

 

DORIS

(deep breath)

        Honey!  That's a brilliant idea.  I think I'll start right now!

 

Doris begins seductively walking.

 

BILL

        Wait!  You're doing it wrong.  Let me show you.

 

Bill rolls around on the floor.

 

IMPROV COACH

(laughing)

        That's really great, Bill, but don't forget: don't get caught up-

 

BILL

        In a teaching-scene, right?

 

IMPROV COACH

        Exactly!  Now, you're good enough that you can break the rules...

 

BILL

        Oh, pshaw!

 

They both laugh.

 

DORIS

        Listen, I was hoping we could work on some time-jumps-

 

IMPROV COACH

        Doris, is it alright if I be the coach?  I mean, I've been doing this for 18 years, and you're paying me $40 an hour; but if you want to coach, then I'll just shut the fuck up.

 

DORIS

        I'm sorry.

 

IMPROV COACH

        It's fine.  Let's work on characterization through physicality.  Focus on leading with a part of your body, and let your characters come from that.

 

Beat.

 

        Okay, your suggestion is "blizzard."

 

Doris plays an very old man who lead with his head.

 

DORIS

        Benjamin, I am so happy I found you.  What a gathering!  Merry Christmas!

 

BILL

(in the most racist stereotype of a Chinese accent ever)

        Oh, hello, Angelina Jolie.  You are a hot tomato!

 

DORIS

(breaking character)

        Okay, I'm done with this.

 

She grabs her bag, takes out her wallet, and throws money onto the floor.

 

BILL

        What are you doing?  We have a show at the West 4th Street subway platform this weekend!  Also, do you wanna go out with me?

 

DORIS

        Fuck off, Bill.

 

Doris leaves.

 

IMPROV COACH

        Bill, now that she's gone - how would you like to host a network, late-night talk show?

 

End.

PAUL PAKLER is an actor and writer living in New York City.
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