Crazytown

IN HONOR OF WOMEN'S HISTORY MONTH

A short story about female comedian-hood.
-By Leah Bonnema (Stand-Up Comic)

People often ask me if I wanted to be a female comedian when I was growing up. I never did. I wanted to be something far more sensible. I wanted to be Han Solo. He always said the awesomest things like "Sorry about the mess" when clearly he wasn't sorry at all. I was always sorry for everything. He was funny. He had those pants with the stripes down the sides. Ugh I loved those pants. So slimming.

The thing is I love being a comic. And I love being a woman. AND I think it's important to discuss sexism. AND I know that being a woman is a POV I bring to all of my jokes because it's my experience and that experience is important. That being said, I want to be a comedian, no qualifier.

It bothers me that women never get to be the thing itself. We have to be the other or a sub-category of said thing. Female Scientist. Female Astronaut. Female CEO. Meaning that female is not the standard. That doesn't seem to happen to men. With the expectation of male nurse. As if everyone is in shock that a man can be nurturing. "He's a male nurse?!" F that.

WHEN THE CITY IS MAKING YOU ILL

A few tips to keep your head above sick water...
By Leah Bonnema (Stand-Up Comic)

I received a lot of nice feedback on last week's piece "Welcome To NYC --> Yes That Is Human Poop You're Smelling" (a gal from the rurals gives 15 basic hints on how to make it in these mean streets). AND I GREATLY APPRECIATE those kind words. I do it all for compliments.

So... I figured I'd continue on with the helpful hintage this week! Here are 15 must do's when the city is making you sick --> not metaphorically speaking (i.e. literally, but you can't say that word anymore due to overuse). WARNING: These are not hints for when the city is making you sick inside, like deep in your soul, that's another issue entirely.

It's winter (and spring too apparently) time. A time when people get sick. Especially now with the hot cold hot cold phenomenon. (I hate to bring up global warming since we all know it's a hoax created by the liberals.) It's hard to get sick in the city because a) no one give's a f%&k and b) you can't take a break, ever. 

WELCOME TO NYC --> YES THAT IS HUMAN POOP YOU'RE SMELLING.

A gal from the rurals gives 15 basic helpful hints for making your way in these mean streets...
-By Leah Bonnema (Stand-Up Comic)

I wish that when I moved to NYC someone had given me a pamphlet with a few easy breezy tips for finding my way. So, on my quest to be the change I want to see in the world, I am going to write said pamphlet. If you are moving from a small town to a big city here are some hard and fast rules.

Don't Ever Leave Your Home Without Earphones

1 - People say don't make eye contact with other people --> that would be false. You don't want to be all hunched up, eyes down, looking like low confidence. Make that eye contact, but it better be 'dead eyes' eye contact. You know, the eyes that say IDGAF. Or, if you can't not smile at people, just aggressively chew gum. I find that to also work. People think you are all riled up.

2 - Hand Sanitizer, that's a big yes. Have it at all times. You will be touching stuff that you have no idea what it is and don't ever want to know. Wipe it off and keep it moving. 

3 - Look occupied. Once you walk out that door you better have earphones on or every single person who is looking for an audience is going to find you. I don't necessarily recommend having music playing, you don't want to be distracted, you just want to look unavailable.  

4 - Nine times out of ten if someone asks you what time it is they already know the time. (Who doesn't have a cell phone, a watch or can't look up and find a sign with the time one it?! Only someone who just escaped from jail doesn't know what time it is.) They are just trying to see if you are the kind of person who will stop and talk. You will then be asked a million questions as your boundaries slowly get broken down. I know it feels rude, but just keep walking. 

5 - Know where you are going. Download an MTA app, check it online before you go or buy (my favorite) the Manhattan Pocket Diary which is not only a lovely day calendar but has maps in the back of all the streets and train lines. On weekends none of the trains that you think are running are running. Don't try to make sense of it, just plan ahead and look it up.

6 - What's that smell?! Who knows. Don't stop to figure it out, press through it. Don't let it seep inside your soul.

'HOUSE OF CARDS' MEETS 'NETFLIX AND NO CHILL'

Ever binged on a Netflix show that you were supposed to be watching with your significant other and then tried to lie your way out of it?! Yeah, no, me neither.
-By Leah Bonnema (Stand Up Comic)

In honor of Valentine's Day and the new House of Cards promos I wanted to do a little something different this week that combines my love of the Netflix binge and being from New England. This sketch is for you! It's called "House of Cahhhhhhhhhds” and is to be read with a strong New England accent.

Oh and yeah, it's not in standard script format, but you try doing that in Typepad.... And PSS, this probably won't make sense if you missed the last season of House of Cards, but even if you didn't see it I hope you enjoy this anyway!

DATING TIPS FOR THE POST-APOCALYPTIC RELATIONSHIP

How to choose the right partner for the apocalypse.... The series continues!
-By Leah Bonnema (Stand-Up Comic)

It's been a little while but we are back! I've been writing the 'Dating Tips For The Post-Apocalyptic Relationship'  series on and off over the past couple of years. It started off as a blog about how to keep a relationship together and slowly moved into making sure you had the right person to help you get through the apocalypse.

The Perfect 'Pocalyptic Pair!

I thought that as Valentine's Day is fast approaching it's the perfect time for a DTFTPAR rebirth. Even if a flood, zombies, the plague, WWIII, etc doesn't come in our lifetime, life itself is an exciting obstacle course for you and your loved one to maneuver together. It's always good to make sure you have the right person with you!

Please check out my first installments of TIPS: Grown Accustomed To Your Stink Pt 1(I would definitely have a go at this one if you have the time), I Love You But I Might Kill You pt 2, I Took A Dump In Your Hat pt 3 and a bonus for when you're losing it!

WHAT DO YOU THINK OF WHEN YOU WAKE UP IN MORNING?!

What's the saying --> once you conquer your mind, you can conquer anything?! Or conquer your mind before your back goes out?!
By Leah Bonnema (Stand-Up Comic)

This past week I had the wonderful experience of performing on the incredibly awesome Naomi Ekperigin and Andy Beckerman's show In Stereo (it's once a month at HiFi --> check it out) where comics step up to the mic in pairs. I duo-ed it up with the very talented and lovely Ayanna Dookie. Ayanna and I are what I'd call pump-each-other-up-partners. We took our "you're gonna rock this next show" supportive text messages to the stage. As we were going back and forth riffing on self analysis I recalled a recent event that I would like to share with you here...

        

It was a few weeks before the holidays; I was hosting a show at Caroline's on Broadway. The man sitting directly in front of the stage was positioned in a manner that let me know he didn't spend most of his waking hours questioning all of his decisions. (After years of working with live audiences you can tell so much about someone from the way they sit. Stand-up comics would make great FBI profilers.)

We were still in the getting to know you, warm up, part of the program so I asked him "What's the first thing you think of when you wake up in the morning?" He thought for a moment and then responded "When I wake up in the morning the first thing I think is, it's gonna be a great day." I s%$ my brain.

ALAN RICKMAN - WE MISS YOU ALREADY!

An Ode to Alan Rickman...
By Leah Bonnema (Stand-Up Comic)

Solemn gem. By gravitas hammer. Adding layers. Achingly unique. Bringing out the good in bad men. Wonderfully dry. Too young.

Some of my favorite moments...

Hans Gruber: One of the best movie villains EVER #DieHard

 

By Grabthar's Hammer...What A Savings...What is it's motivation... #GalaxyQuest

 

THE LIFE AND DEATH OF R2D2 & TUPAC SHAKUTE

And the story of a woman who loved her guinea pigs.
By Leah Bonnema (Stand-Up Comic)

I am incredibly sensitive when it comes to animals. (Arguably I'm incredibly sensitive about a lot of things). My mom reminded me of when they first took me to a Maine seafood restaurant down on the coast. We walked in past a tank of live lobsters where I undoubtably said hello to every one of them. Later in the evening when a plate came out with a cooked lobster on it I started screaming, horrified, "You're eating someone's mommy!!!!!!!!!!" 

I remember throughout my childhood saving a bunch of birds from our adventurous cat. One bird actually survived. We kept him in a box in the house until his wing was better. I named him Blackie and when he was healed we released him in a graveyard. (Interesting choice looking back, who am I Edgar Allan?!)

As an adult I've called out sick to work because I found a pigeon with a broken foot on the sidewalk. He couldn't take off and I was afraid he would get battered on the mean streets of NYC. I bought him a baguette (my rational was bread fixes everything) and hung out hoping that some of his buddies would come by and at least get him up on a roof. It was a good six hours. It was well spent.

Cut to February 2010. I had moved back to New York City after my mother's car accident. For one reason or another I had gone off my anti-depressants. It would be fair to say I was in an emotional K-hole. This was when I brought home our first guinea pig R2D2 (soon to be known as Rtoots because he was a little fart man).

My boyfriend, also an animal lover, then brought home Tupac Shakute. Tupac was ill. He was in a place where they had been treating him badly and my boyfriend's exact words were "I couldn't just leave him there!!!!" Two impulsive overly soft hearted people. What a pair we are! What a four we were!

THE FORCE AWAKENED

Someone get J.J. Abrams' therapist a cheese plate, there was a lot of expectation riding on those shoulders.
By Leah Bonnema (Stand-Up Comic)

This post contains NO SPOILERS. Only enthusiasm. 

As some of you may know from my possibly annoying but definitely passionate posts for the last two weeks (including my Crazytown piece) I did a video countdown to Star Wars. I'd like to share it with you now in its entirety. I hope you enjoy as I certainly enjoyed doing it!

                                    Pure Jedi Joy

ALL UP IN THAT FORCE

We are now just a few days away from the premiere of The Force Awakens and Star Wars fans are surging out of the Dagobah System where they’ve been lost since 1983. 
-By Leah Bonnema (Stand-Up Comic)

I'm an insane Star Wars fan. Probably it's because I watched them so many times with my dad as a kid that it just seeped into my neurons. Even before I was a fully formed toddler I'd been in a room when Star Wars was playing. It must be osmosis. I wanted to be Han Solo. I was in love with Chewie. I wanted to go on a big adventure for the good of all. I wanted an outfit. I wanted to fly a spaceship. And all of those things are still true.

Here I am as a child, already wearing R2D2 shirts. I now have 15.

Where I stand on a few key items, Han shot first, it's fine to kiss your sister in a friendly manner, AND THE SECOND THREE MOVIES don't count as Star Wars, i.e., there hasn't been a Star Wars movie since Return of the Jedi.