Crazytown

WELCOME DOLLY PARTISAN

The Birth Of Dolly Partisan....
-By Leah Bonnema (Stand-Up Comic)

I have been wanting to come up a character to cover the election and our current political climate; someone who is fun and opinionated. My Preggers Angelina Jolie wasn't right for this, nor was good 'ole boy Todd Akindick, neither was Leah Bonnema in correspondent mode. 'Who is right for the job?!' I kept asking myself.... Then it hit me, enter Dolly Partisan. 

I am a HUGE Dolly Parton fan. She is everything. 

 

 And another classic moment...

 

BODICE RIPPERS

I opened the door. I fell down the rabbit hole. I went through the looking glass. My romance thriller reading adventure.
By Leah Bonnema (Stand-Up Comic)

I was stuck on the R train per ujjjj. (How does one spell the annoying common tongue shortening of 'per usual' I have no idea?!) I didn't want to sit there, stuck on a train, thinking. That's where all the trouble begins. I had promised myself that I would not buy any more books from iBook because I have a perfectly wonderful library right next door to my apartment. But, I opened the iBook app anyway and took a gander through the new titles.

Lo and behold they offer free books! I had no idea. The list was entirely comprised of what my mother calls "bodice rippers" - which I always took to mean romance novels but when I googled the definition it actually means a romantic novel with a historical ending. What type of 'historical ending' that means exactly is up for negotiation. 

I admit there were two other options on the free list of books, The Bible and The Iliad, as if iBook was offering you a chance to save your soul. I have read both of those already so like any literary lover I downloaded the first book on the list: Snowed In, Bad Boy. 

You Know It's Real Cause I Posted On FB

MY FORAY INTO WATCHING TELEVISION

I came to TV late. A few things that struck me about my newfound, incredibly delightful, time sucking activity...
-By Leah Bonnema (Stand-Up Comic)

I missed anything that was on television before 2010. Until last year I have never really watched a series as it happened. Here are some things from my boobtube adventures that as a new comer I find to be mind-boggling. 

1.) A SHOW JUST GETS CANCELLED AND THEY LEAVE YOU HANGING, LIKE, FOREVER?!?! ARE YOU KIDDING ME?! I CAN'T LIVE LIKE THIS. I cannot believe that they will just stop a show and, and that's it. I am walking around with all these open ended stories inside my brain. It's torture. I mean, can't they release a statement with some sort of wrap up so I'm not left wondering... WHO DOES THIS?!?! Life is already open ended enough. Now I have to deal with it in my escapism?! 

I LOVE FOOTBALL MOVIES #DRAFTDAY

For all the peeps out there who use football movie references when discussing actual football games.
-By Leah Bonnema (Stand-Up Comic)

A sketch I wrote inspired by the NFL Draft, my love of football and how whenever I talk about it my mom starts quoting The Replacements! I hope you enjoy!

Setting: There is a group of four women sitting around a plastic table playing Canasta. Women are made up to look like a retirement community group. Perhaps some of the ladies are rocking curlers, little sweaters, high socks, nana style velcro sneakers, etc. Sports Announcer 1 (SA 1) and Sports Announcer 2 (SA 2) are standing to the side of the granny table. SA1 and SA2 are both males and wearing suits.

SA 1: Today is the first day of the 2016 NFL Draft. The Tennessee Titans traded the first pick this year to the LA Rams.

SA 2: Then, in a really cool turn of events, the Rams have decided that they want to involve the local community in their draft choices so they’ve invited these four lovely ladies to pick the first player.

SA 1: It’s not like it makes a difference anyway with their record.

SA 2: What?

Granny 1: WHAT?!

BRINGING THAT NEW YORK HEAT

We got a taste of warm weather this past week letting us know that summer is coming fast! Here are five tips to prep for the sweat attack while you still have time...
By Leah Bonnema (Stand-Up Comic)

There was a street fair in Queens this weekend and I saw a man out walking with white sweatpants on and no underwear. When I can see the outline of a penis it's a sure sign that warm weather is extremely close.

It has taken me years of New York City living to put together a few easy habits to help keep my body temperature below constant ass sweat during the summer months. I thought I would share a few here in (hopefully) helpful preparation: 

1) You may think to yourself, Oh I will just open this window and try to catch a cross breeze. Don't be fooled; there is NO air movement. None. There is no moving air. Period. Once the hot weather hits you can open all the windows you like, it will only work against you and take you all that much longer (and more AC power) to cool back down. As soon as I feel the humidity starting to raise my temper and bloat my fingers I shut all the windows and they remain closed until fall. I keep the curtains drawn. If I take a hot shower I run the cold afterwards. I don't use the stove (who am I kidding I wasn't using the stove anyway).

WHAT'S UP COMEDY?!

Just a few awesome things happening in comedy that you might want to check out!
-By Leah Bonnema (Stand-Up Comic)

Ok. For real. Two of my favorites, the incredible Kendra Cunningham and Kelly MacFarland are taping their comedy albums this coming Wednesday April 20th at The Duplex. The Boston Box Set is recording at 7pm and 9:30! Tix are $10 online or $15 at the door. GO!!!!!!!!!! They are wicked friggin' funny, the genuine articles (as my mom would say)!

SOME REALLY FUN THINGS TO DO WHEN YOU'RE HAVING A BREAKDOWN

Tips from an expert...
By Leah Bonnema (Stand-Up Comic)

We try to keep it together. A little bump in the road, uhh, no biggie. We keep pushing and oh, there's another one. Whatever, we can handle it. We remind ourselves how lucky we are to be born in a country with running water. We're being positive! We are grateful! Then one day a whole pile of turd comes crashing down on our heads at the same time. The build up is erupting. It's time for a breakdown!

What do we do with all that pent up rage/sadness/desperation/fear? We aren't toddlers anymore. We can't just throw poop at the walls kicking and screaming (unfortunately). Apparently some people can just breathe it away; I am not one of those people.

Me crying to A New Hope (ok it's Visine)

Here are a few ways I've found to release the beast (does not include smoking, drinking or having sex with random strangers --> so probably this is a list for people in their thirties and up).

1) There *might* be some emotional eating in an attempt to push all the feelings back down into your face. If you are a stronger person than me perhaps you can fight it. My best hope is to at least try and eat real food or food I enjoy and not just shove a box of whatever condiments I came across first into my face. (Sometimes in a fire you reach for the thing closest to you to smother it.) Maybe one day I can find comfort somewhere else. Maybe I just love food. Maybe you over there judging me should go f&%k yourself. BUT WHAT I DO KNOW is that you cannot consume the entirety of the thing you are eating. You must retain some control and throw the last piece of it into a trash can. Stare down at it. Point at it. Roar "You don't own me!" Then maybe pour some water on it just in case you get really sad later.

NETFLIX STREAMING IN MY PANTS PART FIVE

Logging my 10,000 hours. I'm becoming an expert. Malcolm Gladwell would be proud. It was not for selfish purposes, I did all this Netflix binging for the greater good!
By Leah Bonnema (Stand-Up Comic)

It's been a while since I've done an installment of Netflix Streaming In My Pants; what a classic series! There have been four of them thus far (hence the Part Five in the title) and I really feel like I nailed a lot of the good ones in the previous posts. If you are looking for what to watch on Netflix and don't want to wade through the never ending flow of titles please check out Netflix Streaming In My Pants Parts One, Two, Three and Four. It's hard for me to not include the previous picks again (LUTHER) as they were phenomenal choices if I do say so myself. I mean I did say so myself (ugh, I hate me too).

Previous posts read like an Ode To The Girl With The Dragon Tattoo (The Swedish Millennium Series)!

In previous posts I dug deep into the wonders of each show or movie but now we (we = the voices in my head that I try to drown out by watching copious amounts of Netflix) are just going list them and maybe give a sentence or two. No one will take my new insurance and I am having trouble focusing. Oh that artist's life!

So good my pants got sweaty...

I am going to assume everyone has watched Narcos. Come for the amazing acting and just can't even believe that happened story, stay for the nipples and mustaches. I would guess they have a sunglasses sponsorship.

THIS WEEK I LEARNED A VALUABLE LESSON ABOUT MY MENTAL STATE

My therapy hard at work...
-By Leah Bonnema (Stand-Up Comic)

I tend to ruminate on things. Obsess would be another choice word for it. I do like ruminate better though, it sounds more...intellectual as opposed to panicked.

I've come to the conclusion that me with bad thoughts is the same as me with sugar. I just can't have a little. I'm unable to mull over a situation that causes me anxiety and then toss it away in the same manner that I am not going to eat just one Milk Chocolate Cadbury Mini Egg. Neither lies within my wheelhouse of abilities.

DO YOU KISS YOUR MAMA WITH THAT MOUTH?!

And the latest in strange things shouted at me from the audience...
-By Leah Bonnema (Stand-Up Comic)

Once a man asked me "Do you kiss your mama with that mouth" after a show. I know, hack. And although it is phrased as a question it's much more of a statement. He's just letting me know that he finds women talking about stuff they want to talk about offensive and that equals a dirty mouth. A dirty mouth equals unladylike which equals bad, in his book. 

It's an attempt at making me feel ashamed. But it's so ridic it's too hilarious to be taken seriously. Who asks a grown adult if they kiss their mom with their mouth? Maybe if I was four? What adult is primarily using their mouth as a mother kissing device. Just the oddest expression. Anyhow....