Or, Jennifer attempts to get her ass in gear.
By Jennifer Anderson (actor/singer/writer when she has a deadline)
Crazytown, it's time for me to admit my failings as a burgeoning sketch writer. One of the first rules of starting to do this thing is to, simply, write. And write. And write some more. And write a lot more. And at that, I am terrible. Unless I have someone standing over me, or a group to hold me accountable, or a gun to my head, I can't ever sit down and barf out even the shittiest of sketches. I'll be inspired by an idea, start the first few lines, then give up when it's not as funny as Melissa McCarthy as Sean Spicer. So I've decided to use my Thursdays here at Crazytown as a tool to get myself writing. And because I like transparency and the least amount of pressure possible, my goal is that this will be the space for all of the crap I come up with but can't finish because I feel like it's not good enough. So, feel free to make fun of it. Feel free to question my ability and talent as a writer (I know I will). But my hope is that once all of the constipation of terrible ideas have passed, the really good stuff will start moving though. So enjoy! (Or don't. Probably don't.) Today's pass: "Tough and Dirty Race"
A group of people stand around in active wear, readying themselves for a race. Some are stretching, some are doing jumping jacks, but all of them are moving in some fashion. They are excited and pumped up. The race leader, Alex, runs out clapping his hands and screaming,
ALEX
All right racers! Are you ready to defeat the toughest, nastiest, dirtiest race in the whole world?!?! Are you ready for TOUGH and DIRTY LIFE KILLER 2017!
ALL
Yeah! Let's go! Alright! Etc.
ALEX
That's what I thought! Racers, I think you know that this won't be easy. This is the world's most challenging course, and only the truly strong survive til the end, where you'll get a MEDAL to show your FRIENDS and a T-SHIRT to wear to the GYM or to SLEEP IN!!!
ALL
Yes! I'm ready! Let's do this! Etc
ALEX
Now, we've kept the specifics of the course a secret up until now. But I'm sure you all are ready to hear what TORTURES await you!
ALL
Let's hear it! Let's go! Etc
ALEX
First up, we're running a half a mile through the MUD to the first obstacle: A 10 foot wall you'll have to climb over. Wow. Next, we're running another half mile through tall grass to the second obstacle: a barbed wire fence 2 feet off the ground you'll have to crawl under! Then, your third crazy obstacle: (he takes a big breath) eat an entire Christmas dinner without getting into a political argument with your highly conservative grandparents!
The group looks around at each other, confused.
ALEX
Oh you didn't believe me when I said this course was TURNT UP? Next, we race through another mile of treacherous mud til we hit the 8 foot tall monkey bars, zip through a quick pond swim of 400 meters to our next CRAZY obstacle: attempting to get a late term abortion in Texas!
WOMAN
Um, how...
ALEX
What? Are you not ready for the EXTREME? Next we traverse the hills and valleys of the course, rocket through 6 foot tall wooden hurdles to our final, INSANE obstacle: Find health insurance under the Trump administration while having a pre-existing condition! OOOH!!!
MAN
Hey, you know what, I'm out. I don't want to run this race anymore.
WOMAN
Yeah, I think I'm out too
The others in the group soon follow suit.
ALEX
Aww, come on guys! It's fun! I promise! Don't you want to be TOUGH? Don't you want to get DIRTY? HUH?
A few moments pass
ALEX
...Pussies.
Blackout.
JENNIFER ANDERSON is an actor and singer living in Brooklyn. She writes poorly on occasion, and really well infrequently. www.jenniferjanderson.com
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