The first in a series of how not to be an asshole for the rest of 2016.
By Jennifer Anderson (Actor/Singer/Setting fire to the last remaining garbage pile month of this year)
Happy December, Crazytown. I think you'll agree with me when I say that I'm happy to see 2016, a year full of trials and tribulations, finally draw to a close.
But 2016 isn't done yet. We still have a full 31 days left, and leave it up to this crazy year to let even more shit hit the fan before it finally dies with a colossal void of its bowels. Despite what the rest of 2016 has in store for us, there is one thing we still have control over: ourselves. So let's all agree to allow the generous and joyful spirit of the holidays to influence our actions for this next month, if not the entirety of 2017.
Today's topic: Only you can prevent Gate Lice
For many of us, the holidays mean traveling in a giant tin can that speeds through the air at 500 miles per hour. Needless to say, air travel is not the most peaceful or calming experience. Our patience is constantly tried at bag check, at the security check points, and at the monumental Starbucks line outside of Gate 15. But there are ways we can make our collective experience at the airport a little more tolerable. The first step? The eradication of GATE LICE.
Jacksonville Airport, 15 minutes before the scheduled boarding process start time.
What is Gate Lice, you ask? It's when a Kate Gosselin lookalike, her 3 kids, her dead in the eyes husband and their 17 cary-on suitcases decide that when the gate agents start the pre- boarding process, it's time to line themselves horizontally across the entrance to the jet bridge and park it until it's their turn to get on the plane- in approximately 20 minutes when the very last group is called. Multiply this by at least 6 other Kate Gosselin lookalikes, their families, their suitcases, and their last-called boarding groups, and you have yourself a pretty nasty case of Gate Lice. Now all the other travelers who patiently and courteously waited in their seats until it was their turn to board the aircraft will have to fight their way through the infestation.
Ooof...this is a particularly bad case...hand me the extra large can of Raid.
Trust me when I say that nothing is more irritating then having to navigate through throngs of people clustered at the gate who are nowhere near being allowed to board. Guys, come on. You have a ticket. You have a seat. You will get on the plane. If there's no more overhead space, they will check your bag for you. If you're a healthy individual who can walk, you aren't traveling with infants or someone in a wheelchair, and they board from the back of the plane and you're in row 7, sit the fuck down and wait your turn. (Or, shell out the extra cash to sit in an exit row so you can board in the first group.)
No...seriously...please for the love of God, just SIT DOWN AND WAIT YOUR DAMN TURN.
JENNIFER ANDERSON is an actor and singer living in Brooklyn. She's going to start traveling with a huge bottle of RID. www.jenniferjanderson.com
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