Appreciating Autumn while still fitting into your skinny jeans.
By Jennifer Anderson (Actor/Singer/I'll just take black coffee, thanks.)
Did you feel it? That magical shift in the air? That collective unsealing of Space Bags to pull out all the fleece and wool we forgot about when it was over 100 degrees? The click clacking of black Aldo pumps as every work force aged female shoves her way into whatever Starbucks is closest to her office? It is a special time: that time that every girl exits hibernation and uses her acutely attuned olfactory system to sniff out the lifeblood she's been missing over the cruel summer months. She's finally able to collect her sweet gourdish nectar and pollinate the coffee shop with crumpled up Lululemon receipts and old tampon wrappers from her purse. It's...PUMPKIN SPICE LATTE TIME.
Served Tall, Grande, Venti, or IV drip.
I jest, but I fall victim to it too. How can I help it? It's like a pumpkin pie and a line of pure Colombian cocaine fucked in the back of a Maserati and birthed a magical liquid concoction topped with whipped cream and hope. And on a day like Monday, with a breeze crisp enough to put on a...wait for it...HOODIE (swoon!), there's just nothing better to complement your morning than a Venti PSL, poured directly from a paper cup into a clean syringe and shot straight into your cubital vein.
However, this year is different. I'm on a diet. IT SUCKS. But, as sad as it is, size 6 jeans are sweeter than a drink that constitutes a third of my daily caloric allowance. So I'm forced to live on the outskirts of the best part of fall, like an orphaned child looking through the snow capped window of happy family on Christmas morning.
No, it's okay, enjoy your drink. Snow doesn't have any carbs.
Never one to feel that sorry for myself, I've compiled a list of other great things about autumn that have nothing to do with its signature drink. Join me in celebrating the following awesome things about this time of year:
1. FOOTBALL: Guys, football games are so much fun. You don't need to know anything about the actual game, just sit back and drink a cold 72 ounce beer and snack on the hot dogs and nachos they'll have at the stadium...oh, wait...Pass on that, for the sake of the waistline.
Ugh, I couldn't even think about food with the Chargers on the 45 yard line right now. But thanks.
Well, the parties are fun too! Just get a group of friends together and watch the Giants destroy the Patriots while snacking on buffalo wings and piz...yeah. Never mind.
Sorry, too full on crudite and ice.
2. LEAVES CHANGING: Heading up north and taking in all the beautiful colors New England has to to offer is by far one of my favorite parts of the fall. It's so peaceful to just sit and look at the trees while you sip a warm apple cider topped with caramel and...actually maybe a diet coke would also work well in this instance.
Nothing screams "autumn" like carbonation and aspartame and tears.
3. HALLOWEEN: I'm an actor so naturally I like playing dress up, but undoubtedly the best part of Halloween is the resurgence of my favorite sugary treat, Candy CorGODDAMNIT.
STOP STARING AT ME YOU FUCKING PUMPKIN I HAVEN'T EATEN SINCE AUGUST 24TH.
4. THANKSGIVING:
Oh fuck me. Pass the stuffing, I'll be skinny in 2017.
JENNIFER ANDERSON is an actor and singer living in Brooklyn. By the time you read this, she will have consumed 2500 calories worth of Pumpkin Spice Lattes and Candy Corn. www.jenniferjanderson.com
EMAIL HIM/HER | FACEBOOK | TWITTER | OTHER POSTS BY THIS AUTHOR
Recent Comments