THE SECRET LANGUAGE OF THE LULULEMON SALESGIRL

A loose translation
By Jennifer Anderson (Actor/Singer/Fan of Luon)

Yogis everywhere, rejoice! Fashion conscious workwear has exploded into our collective psyche, and now we can transition seamlessly from Vinyassa Flow to an audition without so much as a single side eye from our passing gay friend. Never before has staying in shape and staying current been so easy. And for that, we owe a great deal of thanks to Lululemon.

Kneel before me, weak and inflexible human.

Stepping into a Lululemon sometimes feels as if you've been transported to a Yoga-wear shop in Stepford somewhere. They're always meticulously decorated with clean lines and quotes on the wall like "do one thing a day that scares you" and "friends are more important than money." (I'll keep that in mind the next time I'm looking for an apartment in SoHo.) But perhaps the most noticeable trait of Lululemon's brick and mortar aesthetic are the salesgirls, a gaggle of impossibly toned and adorably optimistically gals that are there to cheer you on and collect a boatload of commission as you spend $100 on ONE pair of spandex tights that you'll ultimately stink up with 2 classes of Bikram.

If you've ever been befriended by one of these ladies, you'll know that your relationship formed fast and hard. 5 minutes after you've walked in the door they have already asked you your name only to instantly replace it with their own winsome sobriquet, confessed their undying envy of how great your ass looks in a pair of rainbow colored Wunder Unders, and told you all about their free classes and which ones they teach and the proper $78 mat and $38 towel you'll need to bring to get the full experience.

My first yoga class. All I needed was $1000 worth of gear, and then this happened.

But then, the ultimate shock and let down comes. You return to the same Lululemon a few weeks later to catch up with your new best friend, maybe to suggest grabbing a few margs after her Hatha class in Madison Square Park next Tuesday, only to discover that she asks your name again. She doesn't remember what size you wear in the Strap It Like It's Hot bra. She suggests that you invest in an Urban Warrior duffel, even though you bought one from her a mere few days ago. Could it be that your entire friendship was nothing more than a farce? Was she lying when she said your ass looked great in those Wunder Unders?!?!

"So you're friends with Kendal also? She sold you a $500 hoodie? Yeah, me too!"

It's sad, but unfortunately true. There is a secret language among these species of female, constructed for the sole purpose of gaining your undying trust and racking up commission, all in the name of wellness and camaraderie. Luckily for you, Crazytown, I've deconstructed a few key phrases in this code so you won't be fooled again.

"You go, girl!" - your Lululemon gal pal will often say this after you tell her you work for a temp agency or as a waiter at the Times Square Olive Garden. This phrase roughly translates as "I need you to buy this pair of $150 running tights so I can go to Cabo with my cousin in 3 weeks."
"I've got you, hon!" Said by general manager after she explains to you that the yoga leggings are now made with a more sheer fabric, and if you want to bend over to make sure your butt cheeks won't show during downward dog, she'll check it for you. Roughly translates as "you need try on a bigger size but I'm going to humiliate you even more before you come to that realization by making you show me your cottage cheese ass."
"Need anything, sweetie/dear/goddess/high supreme warrior?" A common phrase among the fitting room attendants, who choose to address you as anything but your legal name (despite the fact that it's written on the door). Roughly translates as "I saw that you only took 2 tops to try on. That simply will not do, plebeian."

'"See you next week, Jennifer!" And let's be honest...they probably will.

JENNIFER ANDERSON is an actor and singer living in Brooklyn. Approximately 85% of her wardrobe is from Lululemon, so at this point she should just buy stock right? www.jenniferjanderson.com
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