For all the peeps out there who use football movie references when discussing actual football games.
-By Leah Bonnema (Stand-Up Comic)
A sketch I wrote inspired by the NFL Draft, my love of football and how whenever I talk about it my mom starts quoting The Replacements! I hope you enjoy!
Setting: There is a group of four women sitting around a plastic table playing Canasta. Women are made up to look like a retirement community group. Perhaps some of the ladies are rocking curlers, little sweaters, high socks, nana style velcro sneakers, etc. Sports Announcer 1 (SA 1) and Sports Announcer 2 (SA 2) are standing to the side of the granny table. SA1 and SA2 are both males and wearing suits.
SA 1: Today is the first day of the 2016 NFL Draft. The Tennessee Titans traded the first pick this year to the LA Rams.
SA 2: Then, in a really cool turn of events, the Rams have decided that they want to involve the local community in their draft choices so they’ve invited these four lovely ladies to pick the first player.
SA 1: It’s not like it makes a difference anyway with their record.
SA 2: What?
Granny 1: WHAT?!
SA 1: Nothing (to SA1). NOTHING (to Granny 1, really loudly in case she can’t hear well).
SA 2: So ladies, have you gone over the player options and made a choice?
Granny 1 (clearly the head of the group): Well, first I’d like to say that you have a very cute tooshie! (She giggles and waves at SA 2.) Can us girls get a dance?!?! I saw that Mike with the Magic, can I choose some of that?!
SA 2 (reddens):Um, thanks. But I don’t want to be disrespectful.
Granny 2: Disrespect US!
Granny 3: 50 Shades of Granny!
SA 1: HAVE YOU CHOSEN A PLAYER?!
Granny 2: Oh, so authoritative. (She winks at SA 1.) Yes, I would like to pick Jamie Foxx. He would look so cute in that Rams costume!
Granny 1: I’d even watch their rehearsals to get a look at that tuckus! Hashtag Ram Me -- am I using that right?!
SA 1: It’s uniforms, not costumes! And practice, not rehearsal! And Jamie Foxx is an actor.
Granny 1: So picky!
Granny 3: Well he was great in that football movie with the man who yells a lot and we want him!
SA 2 (diplomatically): I think Jamie is not currently available.
Granny 4: Oh. Too bad…. Ok then we want RUDY RUDY RUDY!
All the grannies rally “Rudy”!!! Granny 1 tries to sneak a smack on SA 2's bottom while no one is paying attention - SA 2 dodges. SA 1 looks crazed.
SA 1: That’s Sean Astin! He’s also an actor! He doesn’t play professional football!
Granny 3: Well I don’t know what he was doing out of The Shire anyways! Get back to Middle Earth Samwise!
Granny 2: How about that nice young man Keanu? He got a second chance to play once and did such a terrific job!
SA 1: 'The Replacements' isn’t real!!!!
Granny 1: Well I don’t care what you say, Keanu seems like a very nice young man and I would like to set him up with my granddaughter. Unless of course you’re available?! (She eyeballs SA 2 and tries for another tooshie grab.)
Granny 3: Oh I just loved it when they danced on the field together. I will survive! (Starts singing.)
All the other grannies join in singing. SA 1 rolls eyes. Granny 1 keeps trying to assault SA 2. While grannies are singing “I will Survive” SA 1 & 2 slip out the door.
Outside in the hallway.
SA 1: What is going on?! They’re so aggressive?!
SA 2: That one granny was definitely a grabber.
SA 1: I’m going back in there, and I am going to explain to those grannies that THIS IS FOOTBALL, and there is ABSOLUTELY NO ass grabbing or sexual aggression in the NFL!
SA 2: Yeah, we just need them to pick a football player, not act like one.
Leah Bonnema is a Stand Up Comic. www.LeahBonnema.com
EMAIL HER | FACEBOOK | TWITTER | OTHER POSTS BY THIS AUTHOR
Recent Comments