BODICE RIPPERS

I opened the door. I fell down the rabbit hole. I went through the looking glass. My romance thriller reading adventure.
By Leah Bonnema (Stand-Up Comic)

I was stuck on the R train per ujjjj. (How does one spell the annoying common tongue shortening of 'per usual' I have no idea?!) I didn't want to sit there, stuck on a train, thinking. That's where all the trouble begins. I had promised myself that I would not buy any more books from iBook because I have a perfectly wonderful library right next door to my apartment. But, I opened the iBook app anyway and took a gander through the new titles.

Lo and behold they offer free books! I had no idea. The list was entirely comprised of what my mother calls "bodice rippers" - which I always took to mean romance novels but when I googled the definition it actually means a romantic novel with a historical ending. What type of 'historical ending' that means exactly is up for negotiation. 

I admit there were two other options on the free list of books, The Bible and The Iliad, as if iBook was offering you a chance to save your soul. I have read both of those already so like any literary lover I downloaded the first book on the list: Snowed In, Bad Boy. 

You Know It's Real Cause I Posted On FB

To my delight, it was a Christmas story. Now at first you think, oh the title is about this lovely young woman who gets snowed in with a bad boy. OH NO. Turns out the title is actually about him. HE is snowed in. His icy heart has been frozen until said woman shows up and warms it, with her vagina. I was blushing. I was reading smut on a subway, with children around. My seat was wet.

What was I to do?! Maybe promise to read a non-fiction next to cleanse my soul palette?! I will tell you what I actually did. I got off the train and immediately finished the book. I had to find out the historical ending! AND THEN, like some kind of an animal, I downloaded the next free book on the list. This little gem making my Women's Studies degree cry was called Dripping Wet.

I AM ASHAMED

Dripping Wet is about a woman who is late for work and has A VERY IMPORTANT MEETING. She can't go to work without showering because she gets headaches(?). SO she sees a man outside taking things out of a moving truck at her neighbor's house and immediately assumes he is a mover and a plumber. Of course. SO she asks him in to fix her pipes. AND IT BEGINS. Plot twist, he actually is not a plumber. I will say no more. (Pipe laying joke or cleaning those pipes reference here - take your pick.) This book is filthy. I mean legit kudos to the author. I was shocked.

The next free book I dowloaded, Heaven help me, was called Bared to the Billionaire. It was the same author as Snowed In. At first I wondered, is this going to be the same chic who was stuck with the bad boy in a snow storm? Does she keep getting stuck with different men? Does it slowly go down hill for her and the last book is Caught In A Convenience Store With A Comic. I won't tell you that.

What I will tell you is this: Bared was not an entire story. NO. It left me hanging, hanging I tell you! And then I had to pay to download what I THOUGHT was the second half of the book. I COULDN'T NOT KNOW. So I downloaded. THERE WERE THREE MORE PARTS. I BOUGHT THEM ALL. I had to get to that historical ending.

Leah Bonnema  is a Stand Up Comic. www.LeahBonnema.com
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