BUMPER STICKER HOMOGRAPHS

Alternate Title: Pretension Wars
by Danny Baird

There’s a beat-up, red SUV that I see every day while I walk to work.  Proudly displayed is a bumper sticker that says “Read Infinite Jest.” When I first encountered this text, I read it as the pinnacle of ostentatious pretension: the revelation of an intellectual resumé on the back of a car. Fuck you, dude. I have read many books. You’ve read Infinite Jest? Big whoop.  Fuck you.

I hate this car. 

But, as I walked past it one day, I realized it probably intended the IMPERATIVE version of the text. The car’s owner wanted me to go and “Read Infinite Jest.” I hated him or her a little less, but the command was only slightly more palatable than the boast.

Disclaimer: I’ve never read any David Foster Wallace. I’ve TRIED, but it’s beyond me. 

I have my own intellectual resumé, however, and it’s one I like to tout. I’m far too ready to share my SAT scores, my schooling pedigree, blah blah, blah…  And at the same time, I know the line between legitimate bragging-rights and intolerable smugness is a fine one.

Am I the owner of my own metaphorical red SUV with nonsensical bumper sticker? 

Something to contemplate.

 

Danny Baird is a writer and theatremaker from Baltimore, Maryland. 

EMAIL | OTHER POSTS