BRINGING THAT NEW YORK HEAT

We got a taste of warm weather this past week letting us know that summer is coming fast! Here are five tips to prep for the sweat attack while you still have time...
By Leah Bonnema (Stand-Up Comic)

There was a street fair in Queens this weekend and I saw a man out walking with white sweatpants on and no underwear. When I can see the outline of a penis it's a sure sign that warm weather is extremely close.

It has taken me years of New York City living to put together a few easy habits to help keep my body temperature below constant ass sweat during the summer months. I thought I would share a few here in (hopefully) helpful preparation: 

1) You may think to yourself, Oh I will just open this window and try to catch a cross breeze. Don't be fooled; there is NO air movement. None. There is no moving air. Period. Once the hot weather hits you can open all the windows you like, it will only work against you and take you all that much longer (and more AC power) to cool back down. As soon as I feel the humidity starting to raise my temper and bloat my fingers I shut all the windows and they remain closed until fall. I keep the curtains drawn. If I take a hot shower I run the cold afterwards. I don't use the stove (who am I kidding I wasn't using the stove anyway).

2) I got Oxy Pads in my bag swag. Once the subway stations have warmed up they don't cool down. As you descend the stairs into the depths of train hell (34th is THE WORST in my opinion) it's like walking into a swamp. Sometimes the air is so heavy down there I feel like I just got out of Bikram yoga. My trick, Oxy Pads. Pop 'em out and give your arms and neck a little wipe down (maybe your tooshie too) and feel fresh as a (not NYC) daisy! It's a nice alcohol zing clean feeling. PLUS, it might save you some ass pimples.

When you get off the train in late July

3) Carry an extra shirt. Wear the one you have no feelings for. 

4) Get out of the city if you can. Go somewhere with trees that move the air and a babbling brook where you can dip your sandaled feet because you aren't afraid of wearing open toed shoes and stepping on a needle or semen. 

5) If you are moving to the city DO NOT take a top floor apartment. I, of course, took a top floor apartment which could also be called, the attic. It is too hot in the summer with the sun beating down on my ceiling and all the heat from the angry people below rising up.

That being said, I love sunshine. Enjoy it.

Leah Bonnema  is a Stand Up Comic. www.LeahBonnema.com
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