WHEN THE CITY IS MAKING YOU ILL

A few tips to keep your head above sick water...
By Leah Bonnema (Stand-Up Comic)

I received a lot of nice feedback on last week's piece "Welcome To NYC --> Yes That Is Human Poop You're Smelling" (a gal from the rurals gives 15 basic hints on how to make it in these mean streets). AND I GREATLY APPRECIATE those kind words. I do it all for compliments.

So... I figured I'd continue on with the helpful hintage this week! Here are 15 must do's when the city is making you sick --> not metaphorically speaking (i.e. literally, but you can't say that word anymore due to overuse). WARNING: These are not hints for when the city is making you sick inside, like deep in your soul, that's another issue entirely.

It's winter (and spring too apparently) time. A time when people get sick. Especially now with the hot cold hot cold phenomenon. (I hate to bring up global warming since we all know it's a hoax created by the liberals.) It's hard to get sick in the city because a) no one give's a f%&k and b) you can't take a break, ever. 

A person starts to feel a little over exerted then still has to go through all the regular day to day activities that wear a person down even when you're 100%: riding the train, moving through an angry horde on the sidewalk, lines, people yelling, mariachi bands next to your head on the subway, etc., etc., etc. Then you finally get home and there's a hole in your ceiling going straight through to the roof (or is that just me) because it all always falls apart at the same time. You feel a cold coming on fast; it's too late now. You're sick.

1 - Get yourself a heating pad. I know pap-paw, you don't want to. But you will want to. You come home feeling sick and shivery and you plug that bad boy in and ahhhhhhhhhhhh, the warmth, the relaxing warmth. Or maybe you've had your shoulders up around your ears all day because it's cold outside and you are angry inside; lay that heating pad around your neck and shoulders and ahhhhhhhhhhhhhhh.

2 - Carry tissues. Cover your s&^t up when you're sneezing and coughing on public transit so nobody beats you to death. Also, no one likes to see a boogery sleeve. (EXCEPTION: Sometimes when a person is really creepy on the train, I like to make direct eye contact with them and then blow my nose on my arm, just to let them know --> we're all crazy here!)

 

If a man is sick it's a whole other (more dramatic) thing...

3 - F*&K what you heard, wet feet WILL kill a man. I don't care how dumb you feel, when you're starting to get the coldies or it looks like it's gonna rain, pack a dry pair of socks. WOW will it make you feel better when you change those socks out during the day.

4 - WATER WATER WATER. Are you breathing right now and awake? You should be drinking water. Otherwise you're gonna get dehydrated, then you're going to get a headache and then it's just a shitshow in the making.

Me last week, sick with a hole in my ceiling.

5 - Skis in your biggest organ, moisturize it. It wants to keep you safe inside, but you gotta show a little love.

6 - Pack a snack. Don't let your energy drop. Can you bring a can of soup and microwave it somewhere during the day? I sure hope so. Maybe just some nuts or an apple. Something that is real food. Something that tells your body 'We gonna make it home tonight'!

7 - Hand Sanitizer. This will be on every list I ever write. Use it not sparingly. 

8 - Apple Cider Vinegar. Do a shot every morning. Just plug your nose and get up in it. I know you can do it, you've had worse tasting things in your mouth.

9 - COVER YOUR NECK YOU ANIMALS. Men especially, leaving the house with the neck totally open when it's cold out or you're feeling sick?! Wrap it up. Swaddle that neck. Treat that neck like it's a duck you found in an oil spill; you just washed it off and now it's all cold and naked and needs you to warm it's cockles.

10 - Throat Coat Tea. I legitimately believe in this product. I drink it a lot when I start to feel sick or when I'm losing my voice from a lot of shows in a row.

11 - WHY AREN'T WE ALL ASLEEP RIGHT NOW?!?! I get it, no one likes to sleep in this city. And what's worse when you finally get some time to relax there is a hundred thousand hours of Netflix to catch up on. But SLEEP.

12 - Feeling so stuffed up your ears are clogged? Take a hot shower and dump a little peroxide into your ears. Turn your head sideways and put a capful or so into your ear --> let if fizz for a while (I like to pretend I'm in 'Star Trek: Wrath of Kahn' when I am doing it), then flip your head and do it on the other side. Repeat if necessary.

13 - Eat right. It's so boring but especially when you're worn down it's not the time for on sale Valentine's Day Candy. Just get some solid food and add some hot sauce. Hot sauce will clean you out.

14 - Don't google it. Don't look up you symptoms on MayoClinic, it will just make you sicker from anxiety. 

15 - YOU ARE GOING TO HAVE TO TAKE SOME DOWN TIME. Don't spend it worrying about the stuff you aren't getting done because that will actually make it so it takes longer for you to get better. What I do is watch foreign films that way I have to be reading the screen and cannot then also be looking at my phone responding to emails or doing work. Your mind has got to rest too!

The other option is to do what I do and completely ignore it until you fall apart. More fun. 

Leah Bonnema  is a Stand Up Comic. www.LeahBonnema.com
EMAIL HER |  FACEBOOK | TWITTER | OTHER POSTS BY THIS AUTHOR