Kindergarten Cop is getting a reboot, and no 'it's not a tumor.'
By Maya Contreras (Actor, Writer, Playwright)
After it was announced this week that Kindergarten Cop was getting ‘rebooted’ there was mass pandemonium on Twitter. Perhaps that is a slight exaggeration, but there was a collective ‘Whhhhhhhhy?’ that permeated Twitter.
The following is a transcript of the two unnamed Hollywood Executives, both with backgrounds in finance, who conducted that infamous ‘reboot’ meeting. A Hollywood Junior assistant who would like to remain anonymous, as he or she hopes to one day to be promoted to Executive assistant, sent this transcript to me, via carrier pigeon.
Time: 11:05am.
Location: Los Angeles.
Executive One:
What were the numbers on Footloose?
Executive Two:
Footloose 1984 or Footloose 2011?
Executive One:
Both.
Executive Two:
Footloose ’11, worldwide gross $63 million, budget $24 million. Footloose ’84 domestic gross $80 million, budget $8 million.
Executive One:
Wait. ’84 Footloose’s domestic gross was better then Footloose ’11 WORLDWIDE?
Executive Two:
Yep.
Executive One:
How’d we greenlight that one?
Executive Two:
Cocaine?
Executive One:
Ah, that’s right. We we’re in Vegas and they played that block of Kenny Loggins songs. We were so pumped.
Executive Two:
So pumped!
Executive One:
Well I’m sober as a judge at this moment.
Executive Two:
I’m hungover.
Executive One:
That OK, we are going to make some solid, super sonic fast, re-boot decisions right now.
Executive Two:
What’s our budget?
Executive One:
About a billion.
Executive Two:
Great. Great. Let’s get three greenlit before cocktails. OK. I’m going to throw this one out there, and tell me where it lands. Kindergarten Cop.
Executive One:
You know where that landed?
Executive Two:
Where?
Executive One:
Outside of the stadium, because that was a fucking home run my friend!
Executive Two:
I’m thinking we get Tom Hardy as the Cop.
Executive One:
Brilliant. He kicked so much ass in Mad Max.
Executive Two:
Great reboot. Give me another.
Executive One:
Wargames?
Executive Two:
Sick. But wait. Who is our enemy these days?
Executive One:
Russia?
Executive Two:
I don’t think that’s right?
Executive One:
Cuba?
Executive Two:
You know what. Let’s pick another one to reboot.
Executive One:
I need some brain powder. Line?
Executive Two:
Absolutely.
(Quick snorting sound)
Executive One:
OK. Got it. House Party.
Executive Two:
Seriously, you are blowing my mind right now! Who’s the new Kid N’ Play these days?
Executive One:
This girl I’ve been banging from the Valley listens to a lot of Big Sean, and Fabolous.
Executive Two:
Big Sean plus Fabolous equals $150 million opening weekend. Done. Next.
Executive One:
Two words: Overboard.
Executive Two:
I think that one word, but YES! I can see it. We get J-Lo as the Goldie Hawn character.
Executive One:
Maybe get her to write an original sound track?
Executive Two:
We are on FIRE my friend. Our work here is done! Let’s go smash shots poolside at the Standard.
Executive One:
We are of one mind my friend.
Executive Two:
Did we want to do an original film?
(Both laugh)
I told you I was hung-over.
Executive One:
WAIT A MINUTE. What about The Hangover? Too early for a reboot?
Executive Two:
It’s never too early for a reboot.
Maya Contreras is a playwright/writer/actor living in Greenpoint Brooklyn with her husband, fellow writer, Bobby Crace. She likes dancing in her living room, making short videos on Instagram, drinking tequila with her friends, and writing at her favorite coffeeshop - Propeller. She also hosts a talk show over food @tableforetwo
You can find out more about Maya here: MayaContreras.com|Facebook|Twitter|Instagram|Tumblr
Recent Comments